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Reviewer: ellie (Anonymous)
10 Aug 2009 3:11 pm
I've tried to read this but I'm sorry to say that I haven't gone the whole way through it. My english volcabulary is good and my written comprehension is strong but the language you have used is far too dense. In my view you have lost meaning by using too many descriptives. The flow and narritive is also compromised by this.

I suspect you loose readers at an early stage, and that is a great pity because the whole point of publishing something is for others to read and appreciate it.

My overall advice would be to try again but use much simpler language to convey a strong narrative line.

While this is a critical review it is intended to be useful. Good luck with your next story.
Chapter 1
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