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Reviewer: bene violent (Anonymous)
10 Jan 2010 11:52 pm
I didn't meant to suggest that the pacing was slow when I said "plodding along". Perhaps it was a poor choice of words. By the statement I just meant that the pacing was fairly consistent, without lagging too much between significant plot points.
That's a good thing.
...although, looking back on it, the ending seemed a bit... rushed? Maybe it's just me, but it felt like while everything leading up to reuniting with Lorne was fleshed out and at a nice easy pace, everything after finding Lorne just seemed to happen too quickly, or rather, with little substance. There's nothing wrong with fast pacing of plot, as long as what's going on is action-y, or supposed to be fast paced. In this however, it's almost like it's relying on humorous dialogue to make up for vague plot points that aren't really being fleshed out. The overall effect is that while it's still a fun read, it almost feels a little empty when you walk away from it. I think this is because even though it was enjoyable while it's being read, after the initial amusement, it's hard to not compare the more robust beginning to the sort of weak ending.
Remember, while it's of course a great idea to have a lot of buildup and a full story before you reach the climax, the plot shouldn't be like a cliff (unless it's a cliffhanger, but that's entirely another thing) that just drops off after the climax, it's normally more satisfying (in my opinion anyways) to read a conclusion that's just as well, if not more, plotted out than the lead up to the climax. Basically it's like ending on a high note rather than rushing to the ending after the climax is over.
But now I'm just rambling, take my comments as you will; your stories are still fun reads :D.

Author's Response: Going back and looking at the story again I can see the issue you describe. I did spend a lot of time setting the stage and getting the first part of the story off the ground. But then the rest of it did move much more quickly. I wanted to end of a high note, as you say, but agree that probably the latter half is weaker. I'll think about how I can correct this problem. Thanks again for your input. I welcome all the feedback I can get that might help me to become a better writer.
Chapter 1
Reviewer: Anonymous (Anonymous)
10 Jan 2010 9:24 pm
haha. love the last part. but um..one really big problem, is that if lorne starved for 2weeks, there is no way he could ever possibly be "mostly well" um...i'm not even sure if a person could survive that long with out food or water. well, one might survive without food but not water, and i dunno if lorne would drink water if he was trying to starve himself. and after starving, there is no way he would be able to eat all that food at once. the medics would more likely make him stay in the infirmary and feed him 'easy' food like broth or something for a while. lol. my rant aside, i lvoe this story. it was cute and funny and not too sad.

Author's Response: Fair enough - a starving man would not be revived by some water and power bars. I'll fix that when I update the story. I'm new at writing so I welcome any and all feedback. Although I am most fond of positive feedback, I welcome all feedback so I can see and fix problems. Thanks for taking the time to read my story.
Chapter 8
Reviewer: Anonymous (Anonymous)
10 Jan 2010 9:16 pm
haha. nice. at last they get to go home. but one thing, if lorne was starved for that long, he woulndt be that enegertic, especialy not after cahrging the ZPM
Chapter 7
Reviewer: bene violent (Anonymous)
09 Jan 2010 11:19 pm
I liked the story, but I have some critiques to mention:
The dialogue is amusing but sometimes just seems too unrealistic and ooc for the characters, and while you of course have some artistic liberties you can take, the dialogue at times tends to make some people (like John) sound really goofy, which is kind of jarring.
Overall though, the dialogue thing isn't a huge issue, what is problematic is the inconsistency of the whole thing. While the plot basically plods along in a consistent fashion, certain plot points (and even characters) get dropped completely. For instance, the other two gene carriers that Earth sent, are completely absent after they leave for the mission, even though the chapter before clearly mentions the air force seargent(was that it?) was with them when they left. Another sligh issue that I noticed was how quickly Lorne recovered from days without food and water, with just a few bottles of water and a couple of power bars, he should, of course, regain some strength, but his recovery seems almost too quick when he goes off to make the ZPMs, it's not a big deal but it does seem unrealistic.
Some of the characters are inconsistent aswell, John goes from moody to giddy so quickly he seems almost bipolar at times. Rick is a huge offender of this though, he goes from being a seemingly average engineer who worked for the SGC, and wasn't really phased about what he was going to be doing, to someone who is rather hyper, has never worked for the SGC or even heard about the stargate, and who is freaking out about everything he's seeing (comparatively speaking).

Aside from those issues though, it fic was still fun to read overall, even when the aforementioned issues managed to get a "huh?" from me when reading it.

Looking forward to seeing whatelse you come up with.

Author's Response: Many thanks for your feedback. Going back through the story I can see each of the points you mentioned. I will work to correct those clear errors. You are exactly right about the disappearnace of the other two gene carriers, and also about the unlikely recovery of Lorne with only water and power bars. I will also try to smooth out the rough edges and inconsistencies in characters. You spoke about the plot plodding along - do you think the story should be shorter, or maybe just broken up into different chapters? Thanks in advance from a complete newcomer to fanfiction writing. I look forward to incorporating your advice into my future writing.
Chapter 1
Reviewer: Laura_trekkie (Signed)
06 Jan 2010 6:36 pm
Rick definitely needs to stay with that aptitude for Ancient tech and for getting through John and Evan's barriers. Not only did they rescue Evan and get all those ZPMs, they made a new, if small, circle of friends they don't have to hide their relationship from. All in all, a good day :).

Laura.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story. I'm absolutely new at writing fiction (fan fiction or otherwise). I appreciate your taking the time to read my story and to give me feedback. Thanks!
Chapter 8
Reviewer: Laura_trekkie (Signed)
06 Jan 2010 6:28 pm
Sneaky, Rick. Very sneaky. Even though they had to share the ZPMs with Todd, 10 is still more than enough to power Atlantis fully for a good while and, unless there's some sort of failsafe or Todd comes back to destroy the facility, they can power up more as they need!

Laura.
Chapter 7
Reviewer: Laura_trekkie (Signed)
06 Jan 2010 5:47 pm
Yay, I'm glad to see Lorne feeling a bit better now John's there. It was also good to see Jennings fitting in so well and handling the situation without too much trouble.

Laura.
Chapter 6
Reviewer: Laura_trekkie (Signed)
06 Jan 2010 5:29 pm
Chuck's been a great friend to John during this difficult time and Andrew seems nice, too. It'll be good for John and Evan to have some friends they can be out with.

Laura.
Chapter 5
Reviewer: Laura_trekkie (Signed)
06 Jan 2010 4:23 pm
I guess it would've been too easy to send Jack and poor John's luck isn't running that way recently :(. Hopefully the new guys will adjust.

Laura.
Chapter 4
Reviewer: Laura_trekkie (Signed)
06 Jan 2010 3:58 pm
I only have one thing to say about this chapter:

CHUCK!!!!!!! :D

Laura.

Author's Response: I agree. Chuck gets entirely too little attention. There's great potential in him. Thanks.
Chapter 3
Reviewer: Laura_trekkie (Signed)
06 Jan 2010 3:46 pm
So, the plot thickens. Who will the SGC send? Assuming they send anyone at all. And I suspect things will be far from over even when they do send someone.

Laura.
Chapter 2
Reviewer: Laura_trekkie (Signed)
06 Jan 2010 3:26 pm
*eep* What does Todd want that John has and how is John supposed to figure out what that is?

Laura.
Chapter 1
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