Reviews For The Pack
I missed one last correction for this chapter. :-p 10.Turning his full attention on the young man standing MUCH to close to Rodney i)I wouldn't necessarily use caps here for much. If you want to emphasize it, I believe the site will allow you to upload documents with bold and/or italics tags. Or, asterisks around the word if not.
Okay, I'm back. This group of corrections is for chapter 2 alone. Really steamy stuff here! :) I really want to see more of this story soon, since you've totally hooked me in w/ the whole Pack concept here. 1.“They all have altered brain chemistry, however its Colonel Sheppards hormonal imbalance that worries me.” i)its here is a contraction and in American English, (I don't know the British English rules on this one, so I won't say either way!) you use the apostrophe here for it's. Next: another apostrophe here for Sheppard's hormonal imbalance. 2.Honestly he thought their leader was taken everything remarkably well, despite the fact that less that four hours i)The second that in this sentence should be than – the fact that less than four hours..... 3.“So its unusual brain chemistry and some extra testosterone?” i)its – Again, this should be it's – contraction = apostrophe here. 4.“Its slightly more complicated than that Elizabeth.” i)Its – Again, this should be it's – contraction = apostrophe here. 5.“Simply its them ... just more instinctual ... more prone to self destructive behaviours,” said Kate. i)its – As stated above, this should be it's – contraction = apostrophe here. 6.he saw one of Beckett’s croonies in their with him. i)Croonies should be cronies 7.thats my blood and I made it!” i)thats – Again, this should be that's for that is – contraction = apostrophe here. 8.There was yowl from further down the infirmary, from somewhere behind the curtains. i)This is an easy one – just put an a in before yowl - “There was a yowl...” 9.Then wide blue eyes met with John’s and there was a whisper “...Sheppard” i) Comma. :) You need a comma after whisper
Okay, here's a list of minor tweakings for this chapter that will make the story really shine. :) 1.Rodney made a whimpering noise from the bed, and John found himself automatically springing to other mans side, carefully smoothing hair from his sweaty forehead. i) Man's – possessive here, so it needs the apostrophe 2.And she gently removed his shirt, then moved back as Rodney’s hands slid over his chest trailing warmth and sensation after them. i) Try to avoid starting sentences with And, seeing as how it's a conjunction, meant to join two phrases or parts of a sentence together. I would suggest revising this to, “She gently removed...” 3.And Teyla rasping pants beside them. i) Okay, this is a fragment – not a full sentence. Secondly, pants is being used incorrectly here as a verb. It seems to be more of a noun, so you want to make Teyla possessive – Teyla's rasping pants. To make this flow better, a better way to write this would be to just make it all one sentence with the previous phrase: “All that mattered was Rodney ready and willing, laying beneath him and Teyla's rasping pants beside them.” 4.“Queen?” growled Ronan, from where he was helping Rodney from the bed, fingers lingering on each of the other mans bites and bruises. i)Mans is the problem here – possessive once more, so it needs an apostrophe. “other man's bites and bruises.”
Innnnteresting story here. I like how you've set everything up and I hope that you will post more soon. I've noticed some grammatical errors that I will comment about per chapter as I go back & read. :) Yes, I'm a grammar nitpicker, but tight grammar can help make a good story into a *great* story. Keep writing, as that this is something I am truly interested in reading more of. What are Teyla & Sam up to? Hrm! Inquiring minds want to know. Yes, I want to know who the Queen is, I suspect it's Elizabeth - you've hinted at it before now and I'm curious if it will be her.
Reviewer: wiccan10 (Anonymous)
13 Feb 2007 3:32 pm
"Oh Yea, An Orgy!!!!" she says drooling. Make Rodney submit to his Alpha!
This new information about an alpha queen is intriguing. Elizabeth immediately springs to mind, but surely she would have already become the queen if that was true? Poor John, having to go through another orgy :). I just hope it will finally cement things between John and Rodney and stop Rodney being miserable. Laura.
Reviewer: Rosamund Clifford (Anonymous)
13 Feb 2007 1:43 am
This is a fascinating story. The pack and it's interactions are so well thought out and logical given the boundaries - I like it a lot! Hope you feel like writing more chapters, although having been kept up nights myself by depression over doing something thoughtless that rained oceans of crud over my head, I do hope that's not the inspiration too often. Baby, you're one hell of a writer!
Reviewer: Manic (Anonymous)
12 Feb 2007 10:37 pm
"An orgy?’ he demanded. “How many orgies do I have to go through?” ;)
Oh good lord please don't make me wait that long for the next update. This is an awesome story.
I'm so glad to see an update, even if it isn't the longest ;). I'm also glad to see that John's realised his mistake and that Rodney has accepted his apology. I can't wait to see what they find out on Linde. Laura.
Reviewer: A Cat Called McKay (Anonymous)
05 Feb 2007 1:25 pm
oh love this so much please dont wait so long agane to add the next part
Reviewer: terrycene (Anonymous)
05 Feb 2007 3:34 am
More please, I have really missed this series. I am glad John is finally acknowedging that he needs Rodney.
Reviewer: BC (Anonymous)
05 Feb 2007 3:20 am
Now we are really getting to the good stuff. :)
Reviewer: Ohhh (Anonymous)
30 Jan 2007 5:43 am
More, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more! Please?
Reviewer: wiccan10 (Anonymous)
24 Jan 2007 3:59 pm
Great Story! I love how you have worked in the characters from SG1. Please update as this story deserves to be written and enjoyed.
Reviewer: AngelTalion (Anonymous)
03 Jan 2007 11:31 pm
PLEASE post more soon! This is an amazing beautiful story! *hugs* More soon please! I really love the entire premise for this fic...
wow, i can't wait for the rest of this story! great idea, excellently done. love it!
Reviewer: verovare (Anonymous)
13 Dec 2006 11:40 am
This is a bloody awesome story. I loved the guys acting by instinct, but I loved more when Sam got to face theirs acts. I suppose Daniel doesn'y want to come back because NOW he has Jack. Keep on please!
Reviewer: atymer (Anonymous)
12 Dec 2006 10:32 am
Ya gotta love the Wraith, always showing up on the money. p.s. If it ain't them, its someone worse? Ahhhhh...
Reviewer: haggy (Anonymous)
11 Dec 2006 4:11 pm
O_O 4 red dots??? eek!! you cant just stop there!!! think of my blood pressure ;)