Failed Proposals by WolfenMoondaughter [Reviews - 11]
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Category: Slash Pairings > McKay/Sheppard
Characters: John Sheppard, Other, Radek Zelenka, Ronon Dex, Samantha Carter, Teyla Emmagan
Rating: PG-13
Genres: Angst, Character Study, Drama, Episode Related, Friendship, Hurt Comfort, Pre-slash, Team
Warnings: None
Series: None
Word count: 4457; Completed: Yes
Summary: Episode tag for "Quarantine". Rodney's friends learn about a recent major development in his personal life; Rodney learns about John's stint as Batman -- and something else.
Story Notes:
Who could resist doing a follow-up? We know the showrunners aren't going to cover it! LOL
As the door closed, both on the botany lab and on his relationship with Katie, Rodney felt as sick as he might if he really were infected with a Category 5 disease. Which, of course, he wasn't, but, like the city, his mind had been impaired by a recent storm. Not the ion storm, of course, but an emotional one, which had clouded things between himself and Katie, and therefore pretty much amounted to the same thing. At any rate, if it weren't for the fact that he had just been to the infirmary, he would be tempted to go now, in the hopes that the ill feeling he had was something easily fixed with a hefty dose of medication. Alas, there was nothing to do now but lie down, he supposed, heading towards his quarters to do just that. Normally, he might be tempted to drown his sorrows in hot fudge, but his stomach was not Vegas: he suspected that anything venturing down that way would not stay there, at the moment ....
Situations like this were exactly why he'd preferred to stay away from people in general all these years. They'd brought nothing but misery and distractions on Earth; he'd been deluding himself to think spending time with people in Atlantis would be any different.
Well, okay, maybe some of them were worth potential aggravation. A memory of playing golf on the computer earlier that day flashed through his mind. Sheppard, with his hair, and his drawl, whining at him to play one more round. If Rodney had listened to the drawling mop of hair, he would have been in the lab during the lockdown, he realised. Then he would have had access to a computer and gotten everything fixed in a jiffy, and then things with Katie wouldn't have gone sour. Well, okay, maybe Katie would have been mad at his being late, but she would have forgiven him, if being late meant that he'd saved the city, right? At the very least, she wouldn't have seen him at his absolute worst, the way she had that afternoon. Maybe she would have even said yes when he proposed.
Or maybe he still wouldn't have proposed at all.
Because maybe he would have taken Sheppard's obvious pause at his news to heart and had second thoughts about his intentions over lunch. Maybe he would have realised that he was rushing things and kept his mouth shut, with Katie none the wiser. Then they would have just kept going at their own pace. Then maybe someday Rodney finally would have been able to ask.
But no, Rodney had to go and listen to Jeannie (who was going to have a field day with this), after watching his baby sister with her daughter and her husband and thinking she was right, he wasn't getting any younger, he'd never have any of that if he didn't hurry, and it wasn't like he was swimming with options. He'd never understood how Katie put up with him, but the fact that she did had seemed ... promising.
~ * @ * ~
"So where is Rodney, anyway?" John asked Keller; since Ronon has said something about McKay having thought that the epidemic was real; he was sure his friend had made a bee-line for the infirmary the moment the lockdown was lifted, dragging poor Katie with him. That's certainly a story for their grandkids! "When I proposed to your grandma, it was during what we thought would be the last hour of our lives!" John's smile faltered a little at the thought, but he quickly dismissed the anxious butterflies that came with it. He was happy for his friend; there was no reason not to be!
Keller blinked at John's question. "Now that's funny; I told him to get something to eat! Well, maybe he just grabbed something and went back to the lab."
"More like he and Katie probably took lunch back to her quarters or something. I, ah, imagine they'd want some privacy after ... you know." He coughed uncomfortably, wondering if there were an Ancient device for scrubbing out one's brain after such mental imagery. "So, did McKay show off that big ol' rock he gave Katie before they left?" he smirked.
Keller's brow furrowed as she traded confused glances with Ronon -- and wasn't that just something John was intensely curious about? Any possible teasing he could visit upon the Satedan and the Chief Medical Officer was chased from his mind with her reply, though: "Katie wasn't with him," she said.
"I thought Brown was a plant scientist," Ronon added. "Why would McKay give her a rock?"
John had a sinking feeling. "Er, it's slang term for a diamond," he explained absently. "She didn't come with him to the infirmary?" The only reason he could conceive of for McKay's not dragging his future wife off for a check-up when he thought they'd been exposed to the plague was that she wasn't his future wife, and wouldn't go with him for some reason.
"Diamond?" Keller said, mouth agape. "Are you seriously telling me he proposed to her??"
Radek and Sam gasped, while Ronon and Teyla exchanged confused looks.
John remembered Rodney's asking him to keep it quiet too late. Well, I said I wasn't going to keep the secret, he thought, trying to mollify himself. Of course, he also knew that he'd been kidding -- and, moreover, that Rodney knew, too. "Shhhh!" John told Keller, glancing around the room. No one seemed to be listening, thank God. "Look, ah ... I probably shouldn't have said anything, so don't go asking him about it or mentioning it to anyone else, okay?" He eyed the rest of the table, and found them all nodding. He sank back in his seat, momentarily relieved.
"So ... do you think it did not go well?" Radek asked.
"Well, we are talking about Rodney," Sam answered. "He'd be shouting it from the rooftops if it had."
John bristled, until he realised there was pity for the scientist in her voice. And she was right: McKay would have let everyone in Pegasus know! Including Todd!
"You're saying he asked Doc Brown to marry him?" Ronon asked in disbelieving tones. John realised that the Satedans and Athosians might have a different word for it than "proposal".
John sighed. "Yeah, well, he was going to, last I heard. He showed me the ring right before he went off to the botany lab to pick her up for lunch -- that was when he was supposed to ask her."
"Perhaps he did not actually ask the question," Teyla suggested. "He may have been distracted by worry over the lockdown -- it would not have been a very good time to do it."
John wanted to believe that, he did, but, "What other reason would he have had for not bringing Katie to the infirmary with him, though?"
"If she was locked up with him, he might just have driven her nuts," Ronon suggested, his tone serious and expression unhappy. "Maybe she was so annoyed, she refused to come with him." He winced, and John knew that, despite how much the Satedan usually teased McKay, Ronon was feeling sorry for the scientist now.
John nodded, frowning; his friends faces mirrored how he imagined his own looked. "Whether he proposed or not, it's a safe guess that he's not engaged -- and probably none too happy because of it." He let out a sad little laugh. "I told him I would buy him a drink later, to celebrate, and he replied 'Or to drown my sorrows.' Poor guy doomed himself from the start." He shook his head and pushed his chair back, getting to his feet. "I think better go see how he's doing ...."
Sam nodded. "Keep me informed, when you get the chance. I don't want to pry into his personal life," she added quickly, "but like it or not, we need him at the top of his game, and I'm fully prepared to order him to take some time off, if it comes down to it."
John bristled again, but nodded rather than arguing. He knew Sam hadn't like saying it, but that didn't make it any less true; they had the safety of everyone in Atlantis to consider. "I'll tell him myself, if it comes to that."
In the meantime, John was just going to have to do his damndest to make sure it didn't.
"Radek?" John heard Sam say as he started to leave. "Since I'm so grateful to you for saving the city, I'm gonna give you this warning: If I hear you saying anything about McKay having a dry spell or being off his game again? I will personally throw you through the 'Gate. Got it?"
~ * @ * ~
Rodney quickly discovered that sleep wasn't any better than food. Or rather, trying to sleep wasn't working any better than trying to eat. He wasn't tired, so just lying there in the bed served no purpose than to remind him how empty it was -- and how empty it was going to stay.
So he tried a shower.
Yeah, that just reminded him of some fantasies he had that stood about zero chance of being fulfilled now. And really, there was no better way to be reminded of how alone you were when you were naked and alone. Although, really, it was kind of curious that he had never pictured Katie specifically in any of those fantasies. Hell, even the col--no. Not going there ....
He toyed with the idea if running until he was exhausted, and then trying to sleep, except that, oh yeah, he hated running.
Chess was out of the question -- he wasn't ready to face anyone yet, feeling like his failure was written across his face in indelible ink.
How could a person want to be alone and yet not want to be alone at the same time? Funny thing was, for most of his life, even when he'd been in a crowd of people, he'd felt utterly alone. He secretly envied the Colonel, who seemed to feel the presence of the city like it was a living being, and therefore wasn't alobne even whenno one was around. Granted, it was a delusion, but right now it would be a welcome one.
The only distraction left that he could think of was work, but the way things had been going for him in that arena of late, that didn't seem too appealing either. He didn't need yet another reminder of how he was failing at everything these days. As it was, he'd lied to Katie -- he wasn't at all confident that the modifications he'd made to the system after the quarantine would ensure they would never revisit such a situation. He couldn't decide if the fact that he'd had help with the programming was a comfort or a worry -- especially since Zelenka hadn't been one of the ones helping, the Czech having entered the infirmary with electrical burns and a bump on the noggin just when Rodney had been leaving that afternoon ....
Video games.
Yes, that would do the trick, keep his mind off of his troubles, help him relax. Especially if he played that insipid golf game the Colonel was always wanting to play -- it might even put him to sleep!
Somehow, the fact that the halls were empty the entire way to the lab was both appealing and depressing.
~ * @ * ~
John went to Rodney's quarters first, it being on the way to the lab. He knocked. No answer. Harder, saying "Hey, Rodney!" this time; still no answer. Not having really expected the man to be there anyway, he turned to head on to the lab, but paused, unsettled.
What if there were some other reason Rodney wasn't answering, one other than him simply not being there?
Naw, Rodney wouldn't do something like that. John was sure of it. The man had too healthy of a sense of self-preservation for suicide.
Still.
Taking a deep breath, John thought open at the door. It obeyed without the slightest resistance, telling him that it hadn't even been locked. That didn't really put him at ease, though. He didn't realise he wasn't breathing until he'd gone as far as checked the bathroom, and let out a sigh of relief. He felt a flush of guilt for invading his friend's space, then -- and for thinking so poorly of the man's mental health. Rodney's paranoia was rubbing off on him.
As he turned to walk out the door, a photo caught his eye. It was of Rodney and himself, laughing at one of Atlantis' impromptu social gatherings. The photo was front and center on Rodney's night stand, surrounded by more pictures: one of Rodney and Carson (and John was not getting misty-eyed); one of Radek, Grodin, Simpson, and Miko; one of Jeannie with Caleb and Madison; one of Sam and Elizabeth at an SGC function (John couldn't deny the tears that stung his eyes now); one of John with Ronon and Teyla, and one with the three of them plus Rodney.
Why did John's stomach do a happy little skip when he realised that there were three pictures of him and only one or two of everyone else?
And none of Katie Brown.
Telling himself it couldn't mean anything -- this was Rodney he was talking about, after all -- and that it didn't matter to him whether or not it did (because why should it?), John hurried out of Rodney's quarters, off to the lab. And if there was a spring to John's step, and if he were whistling the tune to "I Got You, Babe", well ... no one said anything to him about it.
~ * @ * ~
As boring as the game was when Sheppard pestered him to play, it was somehow even more boring when played alone, even though Rodney didn't have to wait eons for the computer to take it's turn that way he had to wait for the Colonel. Of course, that could be because Rodney was usually juggling the game with work; even if work wasn't the last thing he wanted to do right now, the computer took its turns to quickly anyway.
Or maybe it was boring him because he was used to the challenge of taking his turn while being heckled by Sheppard. For that matter, Sheppard even talked during his own turns, while Rodney was working. Rodney had gotten used to the constant noise. (And Ronon said Rodney talked too much? "Chatty Cathy" had nothing on John Sheppard!) To think he'd wished Sheppard would shut up -- now, Rodney found himself heartily wishing for the annoying drawl's presence. With the lack of sound, the room seemed somehow oppressive and glaringly empty at the same time.
Rodney took his turn, wondering why exactly the Colonel loved this game so much when it was absolutely nothing like the real deal. Maybe he should get the man a Wii -- at least that one had a golfing game that required something resembling actual golfing skill!
Then he remembered that he himself had no skill at all, and decided that the game they had now was just fine. Besides, if they had a Wii, Ronon would insist on playing fighting games, and it would be just another excuse for him to beat the crap out of Rodney, just indirectly.
A cold breeze wafted across him, and he shivered. He got up, cursing whatever idiot had decided to open the window, and who knew that the window in here could even open in the first place?
A moment later, he stared at the jagged teeth of glass that seemed to smile maliciously from where a Frank Lloyd Wright-ish window used to be.
~ * @ * ~
John found Rodney standing with his back to the door, facing the now-open window.
Uh-oh.
John swallowed hard, then began cheerfully, "Hey, Rodney, how's--"
Rodney whirled on him, pointing a finger accusingly in his direction. "What did you do??"
John shrugged. "Climbed out the window to get up to the control room, so I could turn the beacon off -- the city was broadcasting a warning that we were diseased and was potentially giving away our position," he added firmly. No need to tell him that the act of breaking the window to the control room was what had set off the self-destruct.
"How did you turn the beacon off? You'd have to know my--" Rodney's eyes widened; then he scowled, letting out an indignant squawk.
"Hey, you told it to me!"
"Yeah, but I didn't think you would remember it!"
"So you're mad at me because I remembered it and saved the city?"
"Saved? You set off the auto-destruct by breaking into the control room, didn't you? We could have all been killed!"
John was torn between chagrin and his own indignation. "I didn't know it would do that!"
"Well, a quarantine wouldn't be much good without something to ensure a disease doesn't spread!"
"There wasn't a disease!"
"Yeah, but Atlantis didn't know that, and you knew the city didn't! What did you think was going to happen?"
"I didn't think, okay?" John snapped. "And it's a good thing I didn't, or we'd still all be locked in the rooms, waiting to starve or to get blown up by the Wraith! Jeez, Rodney, is this how you were during the lockdown, with --" John stopped, but the damage was done, he could see it in Rodney's eyes. He waited for the imminent explosion.
It didn't come.
Somehow, that was worse.
"Rodney, I--"
"You are not. Spider-Man!" Rodney said over him.
John blinked. "Actually, I was going for Batman."
Rodney's eyelids fluttered as he threw his head back, in his patented Super-God, Save Me From These Morons-Eyeroll. "Yes, because emulating a superhero with no powers is so much more sane."
"It is!" John told him. "Seeing as I don't have any superpowers."
"That's my point!" Rodney insisted, almost pleadingly. "You could have gotten yourself killed!!"
"Why Rodney, I didn't know you cared!" John teased.
Rodney didn't roll his eyes again. He just grew really, really pale, his expression now something like John supposed it would be if he were to punch the man.
John really wished Rodney would roll his eyes.
"Yeah, well apparently a lot of people don't know that," Rodney said, his voice barely above a whisper.
John felt a deep pang of sorrow for his friend, one that surprised him in its intensity -- just as the sudden surge of hostility he felt towards Katie shocked him. Katie was as sweet as they came -- she couldn't have done something to warrant that kind of anger! And yet, clearly she had broken Rodney's heart -- by way of accusing the man of not caring, it seemed. Well, John supposed he could see why people might think that, but anyone who believed it didn't know the man. If she didn't, then it was just as well that she wasn't marrying Rodney!
John took a tentative step towards Rodney -- the man could be skittish when he was upset. Unfortunately, John wasn't too good at being comforting, but he felt he owed it to his friend to try. "Screw 'em, if they don't know," John told him, wincing at the heat in his own voice.
Rodney looked up sharply, then hissed, a hand going to the back of his neck. With how tense the man was, it didn't surprise John in the slightest that he'd pulled a muscle.
"Anyone who isn't willing to get to know the real you isn't worth your time," John elaborated. "You've saved the lives of everyone here a hundred times over. If that's not worth a little leniency when you're stressed or cranky, then I don't know what is."
Still rubbing his neck, Rodney gave John a bemused look. "Thanks. I think." He plopped down on a stool with a heavy sigh. "You and I both know that Katie's given me more leniency than just about anyone, though. I'd wondered all this time how she could put up with me; turns out she just hadn't seen the real me yet."
"I've seen the real you, and I'm still your friend. And so are Ronon and Teyla," he quickly added, feeling the heat of a blush creep up his neck. It took everything he had to refrain from suggesting there was something seriously wrong with Brown -- he imagined that would just make Rodney rush to her defense anyway, which was the last thing John wanted.
Rodney snorted self-effacingly. "You're my teammates, you have to like me, for the sake of your sanity!"
"Rodney, I chose you for my team, and I could kick you off any time if you bothered me. Notice that I haven't!"
"You need me -- you said so yourself! I'm not stupid enough to confuse the need to make the best of circumstances with actual fondness, Colonel."
John's jaw dropped; Rodney couldn't have shocked or hurt him more if he'd punched him hard in the solar plexus.
Rodney immediately looked contrite, rubbing his neck again, this time in embarrassment. "Look, that didn't come out the way I meant it--"
"Yes it did -- you never say anything you don't mean! I know you well enough to know that, McKay!" Rodney ducked his head, looking miserable, and John melted a little. "Look, I know you think we'd never have been friends if circumstances had been different, and ..." John took a step closer. "And, well, maybe that's true. But thank God circumstances did force us together, because if they hadn't, I ... I would have missed out on the best friend I've ever had."
Rodney's head jerked up again, and John saw the little wince that said Rodney had hurt himself again. He also saw the uncertainty in Rodney's eyes, and it broke John's heart. He nodded at the man, lifting his chin and squaring his shoulders as he met Rodney's timid stare with a firm, convicted one, leaving no room for doubt.
Rodney straightened up too, and if his eyes glittered a little, John said nothing, particularly since he knew his own were too. Rodney looked like he was going to say something, but in the end just nodded once. It was enough.
John gave him a small smile in return. "You're better off, anyway. I was married once."
Thankfully Rodney was already looking at him this time -- the way the man's eyes goggled at him now, he would have done serious damage if he'd turned his head with that much surprise.
John shrugged self-consciously. "It just taught me that not everyone is the marrying kind. Not saying you aren't, but ... Well, would it be so terrible if you're not? You still have a family. And I don't just mean Jeannie and Caleb and Madison, ya know?"
The look on Rodney's face said he did. "You forgot the beer," Rodney pointed out in lieu of a reply.
John laughed. "Play you for it?" he suggested, pointing to the computer.
"You're on."
They settled in their familiar poses at the table, save for one difference: John reached over, rubbing the back of Rodney's neck. And if either of them suspected that he did it for any other reason other than that he knew Rodney's neck hurt, neither of them said anything.
~ Fin ~
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Category: Slash Pairings > McKay/Sheppard
Characters: John Sheppard, Other, Radek Zelenka, Ronon Dex, Samantha Carter, Teyla Emmagan
Rating: PG-13
Genres: Angst, Character Study, Drama, Episode Related, Friendship, Hurt Comfort, Pre-slash, Team
Warnings: None
Series: None
Word count: 4457; Completed: Yes
Summary: Episode tag for "Quarantine". Rodney's friends learn about a recent major development in his personal life; Rodney learns about John's stint as Batman -- and something else.
Story Notes:
Who could resist doing a follow-up? We know the showrunners aren't going to cover it! LOL
As the door closed, both on the botany lab and on his relationship with Katie, Rodney felt as sick as he might if he really were infected with a Category 5 disease. Which, of course, he wasn't, but, like the city, his mind had been impaired by a recent storm. Not the ion storm, of course, but an emotional one, which had clouded things between himself and Katie, and therefore pretty much amounted to the same thing. At any rate, if it weren't for the fact that he had just been to the infirmary, he would be tempted to go now, in the hopes that the ill feeling he had was something easily fixed with a hefty dose of medication. Alas, there was nothing to do now but lie down, he supposed, heading towards his quarters to do just that. Normally, he might be tempted to drown his sorrows in hot fudge, but his stomach was not Vegas: he suspected that anything venturing down that way would not stay there, at the moment ....
Situations like this were exactly why he'd preferred to stay away from people in general all these years. They'd brought nothing but misery and distractions on Earth; he'd been deluding himself to think spending time with people in Atlantis would be any different.
Well, okay, maybe some of them were worth potential aggravation. A memory of playing golf on the computer earlier that day flashed through his mind. Sheppard, with his hair, and his drawl, whining at him to play one more round. If Rodney had listened to the drawling mop of hair, he would have been in the lab during the lockdown, he realised. Then he would have had access to a computer and gotten everything fixed in a jiffy, and then things with Katie wouldn't have gone sour. Well, okay, maybe Katie would have been mad at his being late, but she would have forgiven him, if being late meant that he'd saved the city, right? At the very least, she wouldn't have seen him at his absolute worst, the way she had that afternoon. Maybe she would have even said yes when he proposed.
Or maybe he still wouldn't have proposed at all.
Because maybe he would have taken Sheppard's obvious pause at his news to heart and had second thoughts about his intentions over lunch. Maybe he would have realised that he was rushing things and kept his mouth shut, with Katie none the wiser. Then they would have just kept going at their own pace. Then maybe someday Rodney finally would have been able to ask.
But no, Rodney had to go and listen to Jeannie (who was going to have a field day with this), after watching his baby sister with her daughter and her husband and thinking she was right, he wasn't getting any younger, he'd never have any of that if he didn't hurry, and it wasn't like he was swimming with options. He'd never understood how Katie put up with him, but the fact that she did had seemed ... promising.
Promising? Was that really the best he could hope for? Not that Katie wasn't great -- she
was sweet, and kind, and funny -- but if someone that kind and accepting was willing to dump him after
only one of his fits of doom and gloom, what chance did he have of finding anyone who would stick with
him for the long haul now? Especially if Jeannie was right, and he was "no John Sheppard." Rodney knew
better than to believe smarts would ever "win the girl" over a head of perfect hair, or that his scathing wit
would ever be prized over a charming drawl. If he were a girl, he doubted he could resist the Colonel
either!
... Okay, so not going there.
Where was he? Right, giving up the dating game, because clearly his vast intellect counted for nothing. Except
... memories of the past few months flooded his already too-saturated mind, memories of Zelenka accusing him
of being blocked, of having a dry spell; memories of having to crawl to Jeannie for help again and again
because he was, as she put it, having problems with his "homework"; memories of her almost dying because he
couldn't figure out how to re-programme the nanites, and of his having to beg a Wraith for help;
memories of Ellis taunting him because he'd failed to finish the code for shutting the Replicators down;
memories of himself telling Todd that he'd just had his first good idea in three weeks, only to have that idea
almost fail -- several times, in fact -- needing the help of a Replicator, of all things, to
make it work.
And how could he ever forget the memories of blowing up a star system and almost Ascending himself to death?
He'd given up in the botany lab, just laid down on the floor, waiting to die, because he'd had no access to
the tools he needed to do his thing and didn't trust that anyone else could do it in his stead -- there hadn't
seemed like there was anything else to do but twiddle his thumbs while waiting for the Grim Reaper.
(There was something about this very fact that was gnawing at him, something important -- something that was
eluding him, like so much in his life lately ....) Sure, no one really did do the work in his
stead -- pulling the plug on the power didn't exactly count, and Rodney cringed to think of all the programs
that may have been affected by being turned off instead of being shut down properly -- but what if he had
stayed in his lab rather than going to meet Katie, and had access to his equipment? Would he have found
an alternate solution? Would it have even occurred to him to cut the power, if he didn't think of something
better?
As it was, despite his pessimism, he'd been saved from a potentially gruesome death, either at the whim of a
disease or via the auto-destruct. But was this really such a good thing? What did he have to look forward to?
What now?
"So where is Rodney, anyway?" John asked Keller; since Ronon has said something about McKay having thought that the epidemic was real; he was sure his friend had made a bee-line for the infirmary the moment the lockdown was lifted, dragging poor Katie with him. That's certainly a story for their grandkids! "When I proposed to your grandma, it was during what we thought would be the last hour of our lives!" John's smile faltered a little at the thought, but he quickly dismissed the anxious butterflies that came with it. He was happy for his friend; there was no reason not to be!
Keller blinked at John's question. "Now that's funny; I told him to get something to eat! Well, maybe he just grabbed something and went back to the lab."
"More like he and Katie probably took lunch back to her quarters or something. I, ah, imagine they'd want some privacy after ... you know." He coughed uncomfortably, wondering if there were an Ancient device for scrubbing out one's brain after such mental imagery. "So, did McKay show off that big ol' rock he gave Katie before they left?" he smirked.
Keller's brow furrowed as she traded confused glances with Ronon -- and wasn't that just something John was intensely curious about? Any possible teasing he could visit upon the Satedan and the Chief Medical Officer was chased from his mind with her reply, though: "Katie wasn't with him," she said.
"I thought Brown was a plant scientist," Ronon added. "Why would McKay give her a rock?"
John had a sinking feeling. "Er, it's slang term for a diamond," he explained absently. "She didn't come with him to the infirmary?" The only reason he could conceive of for McKay's not dragging his future wife off for a check-up when he thought they'd been exposed to the plague was that she wasn't his future wife, and wouldn't go with him for some reason.
"Diamond?" Keller said, mouth agape. "Are you seriously telling me he proposed to her??"
Radek and Sam gasped, while Ronon and Teyla exchanged confused looks.
John remembered Rodney's asking him to keep it quiet too late. Well, I said I wasn't going to keep the secret, he thought, trying to mollify himself. Of course, he also knew that he'd been kidding -- and, moreover, that Rodney knew, too. "Shhhh!" John told Keller, glancing around the room. No one seemed to be listening, thank God. "Look, ah ... I probably shouldn't have said anything, so don't go asking him about it or mentioning it to anyone else, okay?" He eyed the rest of the table, and found them all nodding. He sank back in his seat, momentarily relieved.
"So ... do you think it did not go well?" Radek asked.
"Well, we are talking about Rodney," Sam answered. "He'd be shouting it from the rooftops if it had."
John bristled, until he realised there was pity for the scientist in her voice. And she was right: McKay would have let everyone in Pegasus know! Including Todd!
"You're saying he asked Doc Brown to marry him?" Ronon asked in disbelieving tones. John realised that the Satedans and Athosians might have a different word for it than "proposal".
John sighed. "Yeah, well, he was going to, last I heard. He showed me the ring right before he went off to the botany lab to pick her up for lunch -- that was when he was supposed to ask her."
"Perhaps he did not actually ask the question," Teyla suggested. "He may have been distracted by worry over the lockdown -- it would not have been a very good time to do it."
John wanted to believe that, he did, but, "What other reason would he have had for not bringing Katie to the infirmary with him, though?"
"If she was locked up with him, he might just have driven her nuts," Ronon suggested, his tone serious and expression unhappy. "Maybe she was so annoyed, she refused to come with him." He winced, and John knew that, despite how much the Satedan usually teased McKay, Ronon was feeling sorry for the scientist now.
John nodded, frowning; his friends faces mirrored how he imagined his own looked. "Whether he proposed or not, it's a safe guess that he's not engaged -- and probably none too happy because of it." He let out a sad little laugh. "I told him I would buy him a drink later, to celebrate, and he replied 'Or to drown my sorrows.' Poor guy doomed himself from the start." He shook his head and pushed his chair back, getting to his feet. "I think better go see how he's doing ...."
Sam nodded. "Keep me informed, when you get the chance. I don't want to pry into his personal life," she added quickly, "but like it or not, we need him at the top of his game, and I'm fully prepared to order him to take some time off, if it comes down to it."
John bristled again, but nodded rather than arguing. He knew Sam hadn't like saying it, but that didn't make it any less true; they had the safety of everyone in Atlantis to consider. "I'll tell him myself, if it comes to that."
In the meantime, John was just going to have to do his damndest to make sure it didn't.
"Radek?" John heard Sam say as he started to leave. "Since I'm so grateful to you for saving the city, I'm gonna give you this warning: If I hear you saying anything about McKay having a dry spell or being off his game again? I will personally throw you through the 'Gate. Got it?"
Rodney quickly discovered that sleep wasn't any better than food. Or rather, trying to sleep wasn't working any better than trying to eat. He wasn't tired, so just lying there in the bed served no purpose than to remind him how empty it was -- and how empty it was going to stay.
So he tried a shower.
Yeah, that just reminded him of some fantasies he had that stood about zero chance of being fulfilled now. And really, there was no better way to be reminded of how alone you were when you were naked and alone. Although, really, it was kind of curious that he had never pictured Katie specifically in any of those fantasies. Hell, even the col--no. Not going there ....
He toyed with the idea if running until he was exhausted, and then trying to sleep, except that, oh yeah, he hated running.
Chess was out of the question -- he wasn't ready to face anyone yet, feeling like his failure was written across his face in indelible ink.
How could a person want to be alone and yet not want to be alone at the same time? Funny thing was, for most of his life, even when he'd been in a crowd of people, he'd felt utterly alone. He secretly envied the Colonel, who seemed to feel the presence of the city like it was a living being, and therefore wasn't alobne even whenno one was around. Granted, it was a delusion, but right now it would be a welcome one.
The only distraction left that he could think of was work, but the way things had been going for him in that arena of late, that didn't seem too appealing either. He didn't need yet another reminder of how he was failing at everything these days. As it was, he'd lied to Katie -- he wasn't at all confident that the modifications he'd made to the system after the quarantine would ensure they would never revisit such a situation. He couldn't decide if the fact that he'd had help with the programming was a comfort or a worry -- especially since Zelenka hadn't been one of the ones helping, the Czech having entered the infirmary with electrical burns and a bump on the noggin just when Rodney had been leaving that afternoon ....
Video games.
Yes, that would do the trick, keep his mind off of his troubles, help him relax. Especially if he played that insipid golf game the Colonel was always wanting to play -- it might even put him to sleep!
Somehow, the fact that the halls were empty the entire way to the lab was both appealing and depressing.
John went to Rodney's quarters first, it being on the way to the lab. He knocked. No answer. Harder, saying "Hey, Rodney!" this time; still no answer. Not having really expected the man to be there anyway, he turned to head on to the lab, but paused, unsettled.
What if there were some other reason Rodney wasn't answering, one other than him simply not being there?
Naw, Rodney wouldn't do something like that. John was sure of it. The man had too healthy of a sense of self-preservation for suicide.
Still.
Taking a deep breath, John thought open at the door. It obeyed without the slightest resistance, telling him that it hadn't even been locked. That didn't really put him at ease, though. He didn't realise he wasn't breathing until he'd gone as far as checked the bathroom, and let out a sigh of relief. He felt a flush of guilt for invading his friend's space, then -- and for thinking so poorly of the man's mental health. Rodney's paranoia was rubbing off on him.
As he turned to walk out the door, a photo caught his eye. It was of Rodney and himself, laughing at one of Atlantis' impromptu social gatherings. The photo was front and center on Rodney's night stand, surrounded by more pictures: one of Rodney and Carson (and John was not getting misty-eyed); one of Radek, Grodin, Simpson, and Miko; one of Jeannie with Caleb and Madison; one of Sam and Elizabeth at an SGC function (John couldn't deny the tears that stung his eyes now); one of John with Ronon and Teyla, and one with the three of them plus Rodney.
Why did John's stomach do a happy little skip when he realised that there were three pictures of him and only one or two of everyone else?
And none of Katie Brown.
Telling himself it couldn't mean anything -- this was Rodney he was talking about, after all -- and that it didn't matter to him whether or not it did (because why should it?), John hurried out of Rodney's quarters, off to the lab. And if there was a spring to John's step, and if he were whistling the tune to "I Got You, Babe", well ... no one said anything to him about it.
As boring as the game was when Sheppard pestered him to play, it was somehow even more boring when played alone, even though Rodney didn't have to wait eons for the computer to take it's turn that way he had to wait for the Colonel. Of course, that could be because Rodney was usually juggling the game with work; even if work wasn't the last thing he wanted to do right now, the computer took its turns to quickly anyway.
Or maybe it was boring him because he was used to the challenge of taking his turn while being heckled by Sheppard. For that matter, Sheppard even talked during his own turns, while Rodney was working. Rodney had gotten used to the constant noise. (And Ronon said Rodney talked too much? "Chatty Cathy" had nothing on John Sheppard!) To think he'd wished Sheppard would shut up -- now, Rodney found himself heartily wishing for the annoying drawl's presence. With the lack of sound, the room seemed somehow oppressive and glaringly empty at the same time.
Rodney took his turn, wondering why exactly the Colonel loved this game so much when it was absolutely nothing like the real deal. Maybe he should get the man a Wii -- at least that one had a golfing game that required something resembling actual golfing skill!
Then he remembered that he himself had no skill at all, and decided that the game they had now was just fine. Besides, if they had a Wii, Ronon would insist on playing fighting games, and it would be just another excuse for him to beat the crap out of Rodney, just indirectly.
A cold breeze wafted across him, and he shivered. He got up, cursing whatever idiot had decided to open the window, and who knew that the window in here could even open in the first place?
A moment later, he stared at the jagged teeth of glass that seemed to smile maliciously from where a Frank Lloyd Wright-ish window used to be.
John found Rodney standing with his back to the door, facing the now-open window.
Uh-oh.
John swallowed hard, then began cheerfully, "Hey, Rodney, how's--"
Rodney whirled on him, pointing a finger accusingly in his direction. "What did you do??"
John shrugged. "Climbed out the window to get up to the control room, so I could turn the beacon off -- the city was broadcasting a warning that we were diseased and was potentially giving away our position," he added firmly. No need to tell him that the act of breaking the window to the control room was what had set off the self-destruct.
"How did you turn the beacon off? You'd have to know my--" Rodney's eyes widened; then he scowled, letting out an indignant squawk.
"Hey, you told it to me!"
"Yeah, but I didn't think you would remember it!"
"So you're mad at me because I remembered it and saved the city?"
"Saved? You set off the auto-destruct by breaking into the control room, didn't you? We could have all been killed!"
John was torn between chagrin and his own indignation. "I didn't know it would do that!"
"Well, a quarantine wouldn't be much good without something to ensure a disease doesn't spread!"
"There wasn't a disease!"
"Yeah, but Atlantis didn't know that, and you knew the city didn't! What did you think was going to happen?"
"I didn't think, okay?" John snapped. "And it's a good thing I didn't, or we'd still all be locked in the rooms, waiting to starve or to get blown up by the Wraith! Jeez, Rodney, is this how you were during the lockdown, with --" John stopped, but the damage was done, he could see it in Rodney's eyes. He waited for the imminent explosion.
It didn't come.
Somehow, that was worse.
"Rodney, I--"
"You are not. Spider-Man!" Rodney said over him.
John blinked. "Actually, I was going for Batman."
Rodney's eyelids fluttered as he threw his head back, in his patented Super-God, Save Me From These Morons-Eyeroll. "Yes, because emulating a superhero with no powers is so much more sane."
"It is!" John told him. "Seeing as I don't have any superpowers."
"That's my point!" Rodney insisted, almost pleadingly. "You could have gotten yourself killed!!"
"Why Rodney, I didn't know you cared!" John teased.
Rodney didn't roll his eyes again. He just grew really, really pale, his expression now something like John supposed it would be if he were to punch the man.
John really wished Rodney would roll his eyes.
"Yeah, well apparently a lot of people don't know that," Rodney said, his voice barely above a whisper.
John felt a deep pang of sorrow for his friend, one that surprised him in its intensity -- just as the sudden surge of hostility he felt towards Katie shocked him. Katie was as sweet as they came -- she couldn't have done something to warrant that kind of anger! And yet, clearly she had broken Rodney's heart -- by way of accusing the man of not caring, it seemed. Well, John supposed he could see why people might think that, but anyone who believed it didn't know the man. If she didn't, then it was just as well that she wasn't marrying Rodney!
John took a tentative step towards Rodney -- the man could be skittish when he was upset. Unfortunately, John wasn't too good at being comforting, but he felt he owed it to his friend to try. "Screw 'em, if they don't know," John told him, wincing at the heat in his own voice.
Rodney looked up sharply, then hissed, a hand going to the back of his neck. With how tense the man was, it didn't surprise John in the slightest that he'd pulled a muscle.
"Anyone who isn't willing to get to know the real you isn't worth your time," John elaborated. "You've saved the lives of everyone here a hundred times over. If that's not worth a little leniency when you're stressed or cranky, then I don't know what is."
Still rubbing his neck, Rodney gave John a bemused look. "Thanks. I think." He plopped down on a stool with a heavy sigh. "You and I both know that Katie's given me more leniency than just about anyone, though. I'd wondered all this time how she could put up with me; turns out she just hadn't seen the real me yet."
"I've seen the real you, and I'm still your friend. And so are Ronon and Teyla," he quickly added, feeling the heat of a blush creep up his neck. It took everything he had to refrain from suggesting there was something seriously wrong with Brown -- he imagined that would just make Rodney rush to her defense anyway, which was the last thing John wanted.
Rodney snorted self-effacingly. "You're my teammates, you have to like me, for the sake of your sanity!"
"Rodney, I chose you for my team, and I could kick you off any time if you bothered me. Notice that I haven't!"
"You need me -- you said so yourself! I'm not stupid enough to confuse the need to make the best of circumstances with actual fondness, Colonel."
John's jaw dropped; Rodney couldn't have shocked or hurt him more if he'd punched him hard in the solar plexus.
Rodney immediately looked contrite, rubbing his neck again, this time in embarrassment. "Look, that didn't come out the way I meant it--"
"Yes it did -- you never say anything you don't mean! I know you well enough to know that, McKay!" Rodney ducked his head, looking miserable, and John melted a little. "Look, I know you think we'd never have been friends if circumstances had been different, and ..." John took a step closer. "And, well, maybe that's true. But thank God circumstances did force us together, because if they hadn't, I ... I would have missed out on the best friend I've ever had."
Rodney's head jerked up again, and John saw the little wince that said Rodney had hurt himself again. He also saw the uncertainty in Rodney's eyes, and it broke John's heart. He nodded at the man, lifting his chin and squaring his shoulders as he met Rodney's timid stare with a firm, convicted one, leaving no room for doubt.
Rodney straightened up too, and if his eyes glittered a little, John said nothing, particularly since he knew his own were too. Rodney looked like he was going to say something, but in the end just nodded once. It was enough.
John gave him a small smile in return. "You're better off, anyway. I was married once."
Thankfully Rodney was already looking at him this time -- the way the man's eyes goggled at him now, he would have done serious damage if he'd turned his head with that much surprise.
John shrugged self-consciously. "It just taught me that not everyone is the marrying kind. Not saying you aren't, but ... Well, would it be so terrible if you're not? You still have a family. And I don't just mean Jeannie and Caleb and Madison, ya know?"
The look on Rodney's face said he did. "You forgot the beer," Rodney pointed out in lieu of a reply.
John laughed. "Play you for it?" he suggested, pointing to the computer.
"You're on."
They settled in their familiar poses at the table, save for one difference: John reached over, rubbing the back of Rodney's neck. And if either of them suspected that he did it for any other reason other than that he knew Rodney's neck hurt, neither of them said anything.