It was a routine database maintenance, but Radek had been having trouble accessing this one area. Someone had protected it pretty well, so he passed it along to Rodney.
"Oh, ew! Sick!" Rodney jumped up from his desk and ran across the room, as though his computer had just burned him.
"What is it?" Radek asked, stepping toward the computer terminal.
"Sergeant Dion's furry porn stash. I didn't think people actually LIKED that!"
"Well, obviously that position has better penetration, but I've found if you move like this," John said, imitating moving something up above his shoulder, "that it works much better."
Ronon nodded quietly. "Yeah, I might have to try that."
Rodney just stared. "Um, did I come in at the wrong time or something?"
"No, we're just discussing sex positions," Ronon answered calmly. "Thinking about what to try out next. Wanna come join us?"
Rodney just ran. As fast and as far away as he could.
Radek frowned as he came into Rodney's office with a datapad. "Rodney, I've found something else here," he said, coming over and showing him. It was a collection, on the public citywide drive, of images of Rodney from the city's cameras. "I cannot find who created it or accesses it, but it is very low, so not many people."
Rodney sighed. He had gotten a new mystery package on his doorstep this morning as well. "Radek, drop whatever else you're working on. You and I need to figure this out. It's starting to get creepy." He pulled the datapad over and looked closely. "What the HELL, someone is watching me SHOWER?! I thought you disabled all the cameras in the team locker rooms!"
"I did!" Radek spluttered. "Someone must have found a way to turn them back on. I swear, it was off!" He sat across from Rodney and rested his face in his hands. "Why do you always get the stalkers?"
It was all Rodney could do not to slap him. "You think I like this? I'm really glad Ronon never got over the habit of eating everyone else's food, because whoever did this gave me ORANGE chocolate this morning. Either they're an idiot or trying to kill me!"
Radek looked intrigued. "Chocolates? You never mentioned them."
Rodney blushed. "Yes, well, I've looked at the security cameras and they've been tampered with. There's nobody showing up on it all night. It just appears at some point. And it's not like I want everyone else knowing someone's giving me..."
"Giving you what?" Radek was intrigued at his boss's sudden quietness.
"Orange chocolate. That's all."
"There's more. I can tell. I will find out, Rodney, so it would be easier to tell me now." He was being a bit evil, but it didn't matter at this point.
"Shaped like...oh god I don't even want to REMEMBER this part...a clown with a giant penis!"
Radek laughed out loud at the mental image.
"Yes, well if you were terrified of clowns you'd understand why I'm not exactly acting myself right now. I've been scarred!"
Carson looked at all the monitors and sighed. He had done all he could, now it was up to Rodney to do the rest. Everyone else deserved to know what was going on, so he put on his bravest face and stepped out to face the crowd.
John was at the front of the crowd, but waited for Carson to acknowledge them. "How's he doing, doc?"
Carson pursed his lips. "He's stable. For now I want to know what happened, it'll help me treat him."
John nodded. "Well, it was a regular mission. Nothing was going wrong. And then this...big thing...well, you saw it. Anyway, it jumped out of a tree and just kind of embedded itself into his skull. And then evaporated into it. Rodney started acting just like one of the villagers, and didn't really have any big problems until we brought him home."
"I removed the entity from his brain, but it was pretty deeply embedded. Rodney may never be the same. He may never recognize us again. I had to save his life, but there may be a lot of scarring on his brain stem. He's stable for now. I'll keep you updated."
"Uncle Rodney, can I ask you a question?"
Rodney fought against rolling his eyes. "You just did, Madison."
"Can I ask you another one, then?"
"You just did, Madison."
Madison stamped her foot and glared. "You know what I mean, Uncle Rodney. Stop being mean."
"Alright, Madison, you may ask me one more question."
She gave up the pout and came to crawl up into his lap. "Mommy always says you're really smart, so I figured I'd ask you, since she won't tell me. What's sex?"
Rodney could feel his brain melt out his ears, he could swear it. "That's something that mommies have to explain to little girls, so you'll have to ask her again." He made a mental note to ask Jeannie where the hell Madison had heard about sex, and why she was asking HIM, of all people.
Summary: We all know Rodney's brain is a cesspool. This is five things that actually left him scarred.