It all started with a pill: small, round, and completely innocuous in appearance. "Take it right before you lay down tonight, Colonel. No, I don't care if you don't like taking pills. You're taking these," Keller had said, thrusting the packet of pills into John's hands before shooing him out of the infirmary.
That's how it started...but it's certainly not where it ended.
Atlantis was pink - not the dull kind of pink that a lot of women wore for lipstick but the bright, bright, neon pink that had grown men fleeing toy sections all across the globe - and John was walking in it, saturated with the color radiating off of the walls and the lights, which were flickering vaguely greenish. The flowers in his hands were singing kumbaya more loudly than he liked but the dolphins really didn't seem to mind much. Fanny, dolphin number deux (she was French) turned around from her perch atop the lamp post to look at him questioningly. "John? John?!" she called, but her voice was all wrong; low and gruff and kind of manic but... "John. Wake up. Come on the dream cannot be that good. Wake up."
The pink panther, Glen, started nudging him in the shoulder- hard - so he pushed back, slapping at its paw. "OW!" he cried, "Geesh, Sheppard. Are you trying to kill me?! I could have lost an eye!"
"No" John replied sulkily. He liked Glen; he just didn't want to be shoved. Yet Glen persisted. Only now he'd changed tactics. Instead of shoving he started massaging John's upper arm, cute little kitty paws digging in and working out the stiffness in his muscles. It felt really good so John leaned into it, moaning softly when Glen hit a particularly tight spot.
"Joooohhhnnn," Rodrigo (dolphin number one) wined. "Come on! I found something really cool and I want to show you." John grinned and hummed excitedly (Rod always found the coolest toys – the really fast ones) ".... and you...oh..ooohh, you're having a sex dream," Rod continued, nodding his head up and down, making the plum on the end of his elf hat bob in time with the movement. "Oh shit! You're having a sex dream and I'm...Okay, uh, I'll see you in the morning. Um...have fun." Rod trailed off, patting John lightly on the chest with one sparkled flipper before scampering off down the hallway...which was now puce.
The next morning, John and Teyla were sitting down to breakfast in the mess hall discussing Torren's latest feat of awesomeness when suddenly Ronon's tray slammed down on the table with a loud bang just inches from John's hand, startling them both and sending John's spoon flying.
"Good morning." John said brightly, once he'd recovered from the shock.
Ronon sat down in the chair opposite Teyla and glared at John. "Hi," he growled before digging into his food with a viciousness that made John kind of feel sorry for it.
After watching the Egg Massacre for a moment or two, John turned and raised a questioning eyebrow at Teyla. She smiled tightly, and glancing quickly at Ronon, making sure he was still fully intent on his food before mouthing "Out of Barbeque sauce" to John then nodding at him from behind her teacup as if that explained everything – which, thinking about it, it kind of did.
"Hello, hello" Rodney greeted cheerfully as he set his own tray down in the space across from John. "You," he continued once settled, grabbing his fork and wagging it accusingly at John, "are menace and an impediment to the laws and very nature of scientific discovery and you should be deeply ashamed of yourself."
"Oh, I am," John assured him blandly.
Rodney stared back at him, assessing John with his squinty eyed I'm watching you, mister look for a moment then, apparently satisfied that John was suitably chastised, huffed out a breath and dug into his breakfast.
And here John had been thinking that his dream had been weird.
Later, after a short mission briefing, SGA-1 left Atlantis for a planet Teyla called "Fahahsfadanalfahanha'di." The look on Rodney's face when she managed to say it five times fast had been priceless.
What the good people of "Fa" had to offer the expedition came down to one word: cheese. "Not just any cheese," Ronon had told them, "the best cheese in the galaxy." John had his doubts about that but a grilled cheese sandwich did sound pretty good so he was willing to give it a try.
The scary part about the whole thing was Dr. Parrish. Somehow the florally-fond doctor had found out about the whole deal and was, at the very moment they stepped through the gate, arranging a mass fondue party for the whole city, set to begin the minute they got back.
Summary: It all started with a pill.