Rodney liked sex. He was a guy after all. It was in his genetic makeup to like sex, especially good sex that didn't result in messy things like feelings and emotions like love. He'd been in love once and frankly, he didn't care to do it again. Love meant having to tell someone where he was going on his way home from work. Love meant having to share a living space. Love meant blowjobs were doled out as a reward for him remembering to do the dishes or put down the toilet seat.
Love, as far as Rodney was concerned, sucked. Especially the not getting blowjobs part of it. He was a fucking genius. He should get frequent blowjobs based solely on the fact he had an IQ that was higher than the rent he paid on his first apartment.
So Rodney decided that he was going to live his life without love. It was messy and unpredictable and didn't involve enough higher thought to keep him that interested.
He did, however, decide to make sure he got at least one blowjob a month. Everyone, including geniuses, needed some sort of motto. His just happened to be about blowjobs.
And it worked pretty well for awhile. Occasionally he'd end up missing a month due to work or illness or his cat throwing up on his date. But for the most part, Rodney got blowjobs at least once a month from grad school to the time he was shipped off by the US government to fucking Siberia.
Because really, who the hell was going to suck his cock in Siberia?
Rodney reached across the table when John was paying attention to something Major Lorne was saying and not paying attention to the freeze-dried ice cream on his tray. Really, it was Rodney's duty to point out John's lack of attention. Plus it was freeze-dried ice cream. He reached for it, but John's hand shot out and grabbed Rodney's wrist, preventing him from stealing the ice cream without ever turning his attention away from Major Lorne. Rodney scowled and shook John's hand off.
When Lorne was finished talking, John turned back to Rodney and slowly unwrapped the ice cream in front of him. He ate slowly, making loud, appreciative noises even though they both knew that John fucking hated the freeze-dried ice cream.
"Ass," Rodney muttered, scooping up another mouthful of what could be either peas or possibly some sort of fish. Which was just too scary for Rodney to even contemplate so he just ate without thinking. "You don't even like that stuff."
"You're five." Rodney said, kicking John's shin under the table in retaliation.
"Oh yeah. I'm the five year-old. You just kicked me in the leg because I didn't let you steal my ice cream." John held up his left arm which was ensconced in a cast and sling. "Besides, this was my treat for being injured."
"So?" Rodney looked at his plate again. The pea/fish stuff tasted a lot like airplane applesauce. Which he liked. "I'm the one who was smart enough not to break my arm. I should get ice cream for that."
"Do you ever listen to yourself?" asked John, finishing up his ice cream. He licked his fingers, still smirking at Rodney.
"Look, as Atlantis's resident head of the science department and by far the smartest person in this whole city and the mainland, hell, probably the whole Pegasus galaxy, I think I deserve ice cream."
"Oh so you're entitled to my ice cream?"
"Yes, just like I'm entitled to blowjobs." Rodney said, reaching for John's tray. "You going to eat the green-grey stuff?"
"You mean the pasta?" John looked at his tray before pushing it towards Rodney. "Knock yourself out. And how do you figure that you're entitled to blowjobs and I'm not?"
"I never said you weren't entitled to blowjobs." Rodney spooned John's pea/fish/pasta/applesauce thing onto his tray. "How do you figure this is pasta?"
"That's what it said on the whiteboard when we came in." John pointed to the front of the mess hall. "Do you pay attention to that or do you just eat what's handed to you?"
"I pay attention enough to make sure it doesn't have citrus in it. Then I eat it. I'm not picky."
"If we're both entitled to blowjobs," John said, leaning in. "How come we're not getting them?"
Rodney paused with his spoon halfway to his mouth. "Speak for yourself. I am getting blowjobs."
"How are you getting blowjobs and I'm not?"
"Never underestimate the attraction of intelligence," Rodney said with a smirk. "Plus I've got a motto about blowjobs and it's served me well over the years."
"A motto. About blowjobs." John shook his head and got to his feet. "You've got problems."
"Perhaps," Rodney said, reaching for John's tray. "But I am the one getting blowjobs and you're not."
Okay, so maybe he lied just a teensy bit about getting blowjobs. He had gotten a blowjob since coming to Atlantis, but that had been one of those awful, quick because oh my fucking god, we're going to die soon blowjobs. But it counted. Sort of. He had come. So had Radek.
Katie Brown was out of the question after what that damn Cadman had done when she had control over his body. Now Katie thought he was a jerk and told her friends that Rodney kissed like a dead fish. Which so wasn't true. That was all Cadman's fault.
So in reality, Rodney's pool of people to choose from had been shrinking rapidly over the past few years. Area 51 wasn't exactly teeming with people who he would want anywhere near his crotch. Then he'd been transferred to Siberia which had been closely followed by Antarctica, both places where important bits would freeze if he wasn't careful.
And then he'd come to Atlantis where he was constantly out on missions or fighting Wraith or struggling to figure out Ancient technology which, no matter how many times he said otherwise, was pretty much completely new to him. The amount of time he used to have to spend finding people for a fun exchange of fluids was drastically cut down.
Besides he'd rather jerk off for the rest of his life than consider someone like Kavanagh as a sexual partner.
But what John didn't know wouldn't hurt him.
He was really going to have to get back on the blowjob project though. It was not a comforting thought to think that sex was suddenly less important than it used to be just because people like Kavanagh were around.
Rodney scowled in John's direction, hoping he could feel the death glare shooting holes in his back while he talked to Elizabeth. It was just like John to have sex and then go flaunting it like this. Rodney was a guy and he'd been having sex for years at this point. It was so obvious that John had gotten laid.
John nodded once more at Elizabeth before they parted ways and John sauntered over to Rodney. Oh yeah. Like the swing in John's hips could be from anything other than getting laid.
"Hey, Rodney," John said amicably. He held up his arm. "Check it out. Lighter air cast."
"The marvels of modern technology," Rodney muttered. "So who was it?"
"Well, Carson was the one that agreed I could get a lighter cast, but it was Dr. Atwood that actually took it off and replaced it."
"I know you actually have a brain somewhere under all your hair so stop playing stupid," Rodney said, poking John hard right above his new and improved cast. Which was blue. And kind of sharp looking, but Rodney was not going to admit that at all. "You know exactly what I mean."
John just grinned a little. "So I hear Zelenka found some new toys."
Rodney narrowed his eyes a little. "When were you talking to Radek?"
"I wasn't. Elizabeth just told me," John said, looking at him oddly. "Are you alright, Rodney? You look a little twitchy."
"I'm always twitchy. It's lack of sleep and too much caffeine. What did Elizabeth tell you about Radek?"
"Is Zelenka off-limits all of a sudden? Have you decided to rule with an iron fist and shut out all us lesser mortals from the fun?"
"Only the military. Not that the majority of you can even understand what we're working on because it is so far beyond your normal comprehension of bad guy shoot to kill."
John raised an eyebrow, looking at him skeptically. "Someone broke something, didn't they?"
"Yes," Rodney snapped. "Kavanagh thought he could improve on the environmental controls in the hydroponics bay. Now it's a rain forest. But that's not why I'm mad. I've come to expect Kavanagh to fuck up something that's working. I've put in a request to leave him on a planet of Wraith, but so far Elizabeth hasn't gotten back to me on that."
"Try as you might, I don't think she's going to approve that request," John said with a comforting pat to Rodney's shoulder. "So why are you mad?"
"You – " Rodney poked him again. "Won't tell me who it was."
John scratched his nose with his cast and shrugged. "Dr. Atwood. She did give me a lighter cast after all."
Rodney gaped at him. "You are such a ... what's a good word for a male slut?"
"That doesn't have a good enough ring to it," Rodney said with a shake of his head. "You're more than just a slut. Someone gives you a lighter cast and you respond by jumping into bed with them."
"Who said anything about a bed?" John smirked at him once more and turned, heading after Caldwell.
Rodney stared at him angrily before whirled about and stomping off in the other direction. First things first, he was going to fix the controls in the hydroponics bay and berate Kavanagh for a good hour. Then he was going to work on the blowjob plan. Oh, and recalibrate the long-range sensors because they'd been kind of hinky lately since Radek had over-extended them searching for a lost puddlejumper. And maybe while he was at it, work on getting some full-on sex as well.
Rodney was not going to let John get more sex than him.
After being turned down by Simpson, Corrigan, and Yancey, Rodney decided to just back up a little and go find Radek. He found him working on what could be an Ancient particle accelerator or a pizza oven. Rodney was kind of leaning towards the pizza oven even though a particle accelerator would be cool. But pizza. He missed pizza.
"Radek!" Rodney exclaimed, trapping the other man between the machine, the wall, and his body. "I've been looking all over for you."
Radek looked surprised, pushing his glasses up with a finger. "Yes, Rodney?"
"Have you figured out what this does yet?" asked Rodney, looking at the machine. He poked it with one finger, but nothing happened.
"Don't touch!" Radek grabbed Rodney's wrist pulling it away. "I am not sure what it does yet. I prefer not to blow up the lab. And myself."
"What about me?"
"Acceptable loss," Radek said with a smirk. "What do you want from me?"
Rodney looked around before lowering his voice and leaning in a bit. "So that thing that happened between us ... you know, with the blowjobs. I was wondering if you wanted to do that again. Now."
Radek backed up quickly and gestured to the pizza oven thing next to him. "I'm quite busy you see."
"Later then," Rodney said with a shrug. "I'm flexible." He waggled his eyebrows. "Very flexible."
"Ah. About that. You see. Stress of situation. Not enough sleep. Impending doom," Radek said while waving his hand a bit. "I'm straight."
"I kind of figured that by the blowjob technique. It was really very poor, but I figured that we could work on that."
Radek crossed his arms. "Maybe this is why no one will have sex with you. You want me to sleep with you and you insult me in same breath."
"So if I hadn't insulted you, I'd have a chance?" Rodney stepped forward again. "Because you know, I lied. It was an amazing blowjob. Best in my life. Honest."
"You are a terrible liar," Radek shook his head. "Leave me alone, Rodney. I will not give you a blowjob."
"I'll have you know people have sex with me," Rodney said, poking Radek in the chest. "Lots of people. Hoards of people."
"And that is why Simpson, Corrigan, and Yancey turned you down, yes?"
Rodney opened his mouth to start berating Radek again, but closed it with a sigh. "So does everyone know about that?"
"Sadly yes," Radek said as he smoothed down his shirt before patting Rodney on the arm. "It is not the worst thing that could happen."
"Yeah, that would be Kavanagh," Rodney said with a shudder.
"Speaking of Kavanagh," Radek said, fiddling with his data pad. "He might be the one spreading rumors that you are being shot down."
"Oh I am so going to leave him on a Wraith planet," Rodney said through gritted teeth. "That arrogant, no-nothing, spineless worm of a crappy engineer. After I fixed his mistake in the hydroponics bay too."
Radek let out a sigh of relief as Rodney went stomping off, still loudly complaining about Kavanagh. Safe for another day at least.
John appeared in the doorway, a grin on his face. "So did you say no?"
Radek turned to look at him. "I did. And turned him on Kavanagh. Now you come in here and touch this for me, Colonel."
"A deal is a deal," John said as he ambled over. "So what is this? A wood chipper?"
Rodney shimmied a little as he turned the corner, his body still thrumming happily with the 'I got laid' feeling. And it was good sex too. The kind Rodney would brag about with friends – or tell his cat about in great detail until the cat looked bored and wandered off to sleep in the tub.
Which was exactly why Rodney was looking for John. Not because he would go sleep in the tub like the cat – though Rodney couldn't be sure that outcome wouldn't occur – but because John was a friend. And John had gotten laid by Dr. Atwood, but not as spectacularly as Rodney had gotten laid by Dr. Nemours. Plus the cat was back at his hot neighbor's apartment living in the lap of luxury.
Rodney sniffed his hand briefly, a grin crossing his face before he slid to a stop in front of John's quarters, pressing the buzzer lightly. "Open up, Sheppard. I know you're in there."
The door slid open and John looked at him grumpily. "What do you want, Rodney?"
"Hey, can I come in?" asked Rodney, walking in before John could say yes or no. He flopped down on John's bed, grinning at him. "You know Dr. Nemours?"
"Angela?" John yawned, rubbing the back of his hair and making it stick up even more. "Yeah, I know her."
"But do you know her biblically?" Rodney leered a little, still feeling inordinately pleased with himself.
John shrugged a little. "I know her well enough to know she's got a tattoo of the molecular structure of caffeine right below her left breast."
Rodney stared at him.
"Wrong answer?" asked John.
"You slept with her," Rodney said flatly. "That's just unbelievable. I get laid and of course you've gotten laid by the same person so you know just how spectacular it was because you've been there! Now how am I supposed to gloat about it?"
"Well," John said calmly. "It was pretty spectacular. That thing she does with her tongue..."
"Where she kind of twists," Rodney said with a nod, twisting his hand a little. "And then licks?"
John looked a little dreamy. "Yeah. That one."
"It's a nicely placed tattoo as well," Rodney sighed. "Just under the curve of her breast. Almost hidden."
John sat down on the bed next to Rodney. "Did you know Carson has a tattoo of a sheep on his ass?"
"You've slept with Carson?!"
John spread his arms, grinning. "I like to spread the Sheppard love around."
"You're a pig," Rodney said with a shake of his head. "I slept with Zelenka. Sort of."
"How do you sort of sleep with someone?" asked John.
"It was during the Wraith attack. We were totally drugged on uppers and had no clue what was going on. It was just blowjobs and frankly, Zelenka had very poor technique which since he claims to be straight explains a lot."
"He's sleeping with Sergeant Delaney," John said. "You know, the Marine with the really great ass that specializes in explosives."
"The redhead?" Rodney looked impressed. "She's hot. Way to go, Radek."
"How did you not know that?" asked John. "He's one of your guys."
"We don't sit around and talk about each other's sex lives. There are more important things for the scientists to talk about oh, like saving Atlantis."
"You save the sex talk for me. I'm touched, Rodney."
Rodney smirked a little, resting against the wall. "It just goes to show that I have respect for you. Or it could just mean that you have a high school mentality about everything so I chose you when I want to lower myself to that level."
"You should have stopped after you said respect," John said dryly. "And stop sniffing your hand."
Rodney looked innocent as he slowly lowered his hand. "What?"
"I'm a guy, Rodney!"
Rodney grinned a little. "Yeah. You flaunted the fact you slept with Dr. Atwood."
"I didn't sniff my hand." John looked grumpy. "You know, I was sleeping when you interrupted me."
"Oh," Rodney said, sitting up. "Well, I guess I'm done gloating about having sex now. See you at dinner?"
"It's 3 am, Rodney," John said patiently. "How about we see each other at breakfast instead?"
Rodney looked surprised, then looked at his watch. "Oh wow. It is. I better get to the lab and make sure nothing's been destroyed while I was off having fun. Those idiots need someone standing over them or else they try and think for themselves."
"You could try sleeping."
"I don't have time to sleep," Rodney scoffed. "I'll see you at breakfast. Save me coffee."
"Are you really sleeping with Sergeant Delancy?"
"Delaney," Radek said with a sigh. He looked up from the crystal board he was working on. "Who told you that?"
"I can't reveal my sources." Rodney leaned over his shoulder to look at the crystals. "I think those are backwards."
"Are you an expert on puddlejumpers?" asked Radek shortly. "No. So step back and let me do my job."
"You know, people getting laid tend to be nicer," Rodney said as he stepped back slightly. "Especially when they are getting laid by hot Marines."
Radek turned to face him, his arms crossed over his chest. "Her name is Megan."
"I slept with Angela Nemours," Rodney said. Then sighed. "And so did Major Sheppard."
"Colonel," Radek corrected him. "And yes, I know. Everyone knows. You should know that she does not appreciate the fact you told everyone that you had sex with her and that you will not be having a repeat experience."
"I didn't tell everyone. I told Colonel Sheppard, Carson, a few other people I met along the way and now you." Rodney scowled. "You are very cranky. Have you gotten a blowjob recently?"
"Yes, and I will get one later if I wish it," Radek said easily. "You, on the other hand, will be having a pleasant evening with your hand. Which do you prefer, Rodney? Right or left?"
"Fuck you," Rodney said as he pointed at the crystals. "That is totally wrong. I don't care how much of an expert you think you are on the puddlejumpers. Anyone with half a brain would be able to tell that those crystals are in backwards!"
"Yes and if Chief Science Officer would read his project reports he would know that we are attempting to get more power to the engines of the Jumper by shifting the orders of the crystals!"
Rodney opened his mouth to yell again, looked at the crystals, looked at Radek and then shut his mouth. He crossed his arms and scowled.
"Yes, yes. We remember now," Radek said dryly. "Anything else?"
"I can get a blowjob if I really want one," Rodney said sullenly. "I'm in high demand you know."
"Oh yes." Radek turned back to his work, tapping the data pad before moving another crystal. "You are the most desirable man on Atlantis. I don't see how you can get any work done with all the people lining up to give you blowjobs."
"You know, I think you get crankier when you're getting laid. How exactly does that work?"
Radek just scowled at him once more before going back to working on the crystals and ignoring Rodney. This, as far as Rodney was concerned, was a good thing because now Rodney had to come up with someone else to have sex with. Which was a huge shame because Dr. Nemours had been a lot of fun.
Rodney was intrigued by Carson's tattoo. Alleged tattoo. They were friends and Carson had never even told him he had a tattoo so maybe John was lying. John would do something like that because it made John look like he was getting a lot more action than Rodney. Which was probably true.
Which was why Rodney was standing in Teyla's doorway with a bottle of Athosian wine and a box of chocolate. Because he knew that John had been turned down by Teyla. And if Teyla was going to turn him down, she'd at least have a good reason.
Teyla looked at him curiously. "Are in need of help, Dr. McKay?"
Rodney shook his head, looked at the wine and chocolate. "I thought we could have a little alone time. Just the two of us. For teamwork reasons."
Teyla arched an eyebrow. "Teamwork?"
"Yeah." Rodney waved a hand vaguely in what could only be termed a sexual manner. "Horizontal teamwork."
Teyla snatched the wine and chocolate out of Rodney's hands and shut the door in his face. He sighed heavily. Well, at least she didn't hit him.
"That was sad, McKay," John said from down the hall, a grin on his face. "Horizontal teamwork?"
"Should I have been blunter?" asked Rodney, walking over to John, his hands in his pockets. "Just said, hey Teyla. Want to fuck?"
"She definitely would have hit you for that one," John said. "You want to go watch football?"
"Change football to hockey, add some popcorn and you've got yourself a deal."
"No and no."
"Well then," Rodney said with a scowl. "Not the Hail Mary game and some coffee."
"No and yes."
Rodney sighed. "I hate you."
"Maybe so," John said easily. "But you got a better chance with me than anyone else on Atlantis."
"Too bad I don't want you," Rodney retorted. "I can do better."
"Yeah." John looked at him, his gaze slowly moving over Rodney's body. "So can I."
Rodney bristled at that, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'll have you know that I am absolutely fantastic in bed."
John shook his head and gestured towards the transporter. "It's not always about sex, Rodney. Sometimes you want more."
Rodney tightened his jaw. "I've given up on love, Colonel. I'm happy with the sex."
"Too bad you're not getting more of it then," John said shortly. "You want to watch the game or not?"
"I have watched that stupid game 53 and a half times since we came to this place. No, I do not want to watch the game, but I will anyway," Rodney said between gritted teeth. "Elizabeth said she would take away my cupcake privileges if I didn't take two nights off a week."
"Wouldn't want to lose those cupcake privileges," John said dryly. "God knows how the rest of us would survive."
"Oh ha ha. Very funny. And I'd like to point out that I earned those cupcake privileges unlike some people who have to get injured to get freeze-dried ice cream."
"That was a month ago, Rodney!"
"Well, I like the ice cream," Rodney said with a scowl. "Are we going to watch your stupid game or argue in the hallway in front of Teyla's room while she eats my last box of expensive Swiss chocolates?"
"She chose chocolates over sex with you," John said, shaking his head as he walked towards the transporter. "That's sad."
"That's only because she doesn't know how spectacular I am to have sex with," Rodney said easily. "If she knew, she wouldn't have taken the chocolates so quickly."
It turned out finding someone to have sex with on Atlantis wasn't as easy as Rodney had thought it would be. Everyone knew about Dr. Nemours by now and Rodney found himself getting lots of glares from tough female Marines and equally tough female scientists. Even Miko was glaring at him from behind her laptop.
There was an extremely uncomfortable few minutes where Rodney thought Ronon was looking at his ass and Rodney chose to capitalize on that moment by giving Ronon a come-hither look that resulted in Ronon informing him in no uncertain terms that sleeping with Rodney was about as appealing to him as gouging his own eyes out with a fork. Which he had in his hand at the time and proceeded to jab in Rodney's general direction threateningly.
Plus he was sleeping with Teyla apparently. Which was some pretty hot gossip and Rodney figured at least he had that scoop before John and Radek did. Not to mention the whole being threatened by Ronon with a fork thing (which *was* very dirty and highly unsanitary. He could have died from gangrene easily.) was kind of brave. So he had that going for him too.
Unfortunately he just couldn't seem to charm anyone into having sex with him and instead spent a lot of evenings hanging out with John and resolutely not thinking about the blowjobs he wasn't getting.
Rodney grumbled to himself from under the console he was working on. Usually Radek would be dealing with this particular Kavanagh fuck-up but he was visiting the Athosian camps with a couple of the Marines – including Sergeant Delaney. Rodney was pretty sure Radek was going to get au natural sex. That was just supremely unfair.
Rodney felt around for the screwdriver he had dropped earlier, still muttering as he searched.
"Here," John said, putting the screwdriver in his hand.
Rodney moved quickly, banging his head against the console. "Fuck. Where did you come from and why didn't you say anything instead of sneaking up on me? I could have concussed myself!"
"I said your name three times." John sat down next to Rodney. "And I seriously doubt you gave yourself a concussion. You have a very hard head."
"I should probably go see Carson anyway," Rodney said, rubbing his head. "What do you want?"
"I can't get a date anymore and it's all your fault."
"Fascinating. Are you done bothering me now because I really should get the lights back on in the East wing labs."
John let out a frustrated sound. "Everyone thinks we're dating, Rodney!"
Rodney blinked. "What?"
"I just asked Captain Anderson out on a date and she replied 'I don't date men who are in relationships already.'" John frowned. "So then I went and asked Major Lorne what she meant by that and he said that he wasn't asking anything and he most certainly wouldn't tell anything if asked. And then he asked how you were doing. Any idiot could figure out that everyone thinks that we are dating!"
"Well that's just ridiculous," Rodney said patiently, like John was a small child except he never talked to small children unless absolutely necessary because they were smelly and annoying and always seemed to have sticky fingers. "You date women. And occasionally men. Which I do as well. But not you."
"That's exactly my point," John said with a groan. "Rodney, this is a problem."
"Hardly," Rodney said as he ducked back under the console. "It's not like anyone is going to seriously believe we're dating each other. I mean, really. I can do so much better."
"Yes, because you've been so entirely successful until now." John poked Rodney's thigh hard. "Do you realize this means that you aren't going to get to have sex either?"
"I don't have sex now," Rodney said as he batted ineffectually at John's hand. "In case you haven't noticed, I spend every free night I have with you... Oh."
"Is that the best you got?" asked John.
Rodney sat up again, looking at him with a startled expression. "We spend almost all of our free time together."
"We eat meals together."
"We go to the gym at the same time."
"We go up in the Jumper alone together all the time."
Rodney groaned deeply. "We're dating! Why didn't you tell me that we were dating?"
"I just did!"
"Oh my God!" Rodney waved his hands around, gesturing vaguely between them. "How did this happen? Why did this happen? I mean, I know that I'm a really great catch and all, but I think I would know if I started dating someone. Even someone as annoying as you, but apparently I'm so busy saving Atlantis all the time I didn't realize I entered into a completely non-sexual dating relationship with you!"
"I'm the annoying one? Have you listened to yourself?" John grabbed Rodney's hands, holding them still. "I'm a good guy! People want to date me, but somehow you're the one who is doing that so could you stop acting like it's the worst thing that could happen to you?"
"You're holding my hands," Rodney said, feeling very stupid right now. He tried to pull away, but John just tightened his hold. "Okay, okay. So should we break up or something?"
John looked at him, his brow furrowed before he leaned forward and kissed Rodney, pulling him closer using his grip on Rodney's hands. Rodney squeaked – manfully of course – and tried to figure out what was going on. Which wasn't easy because John's tongue was currently trying to take up permanent residence in his mouth and Rodney was more than a little surprised to find out that he really kind of liked it. A lot.
Rodney licked his lips when John finally pulled back, his brow still furrowed as Rodney flexed his fingers in John's hands. He shifted uncomfortably under John's gaze and tilted his head obstinately.
"I'll have you know that I am very busy right now," Rodney said loftily. "Are you done your experiment?"
John let go of his hands. "You're an ass."
Rodney pressed his lips together and nodded jerkily. He reached for the screwdriver again. "I'm going to be at dinner around 7."
"What are you telling me for?" asked John, getting to his feet.
"I thought we could, you know. Eat together."
"I thought you wanted to break up with me," John said, crossing his arms over his chest. "Since you can do so much better."
"I just assumed we would both want that, but since you kissed me you obviously think this pseudo-relationship has some merit so instead of completely smashing all of your hopes and dreams, I thought we could have dinner together."
"Is it so hard for you to admit you want something?"
"And inflate your already huge ego? No, not so much."
"I'm the one with the huge ego! God, Rodney you can't go five minutes without reminding us that you're so much smarter than everyone else."
"Yes, I want you," Rodney said, kicking John's foot. "So shut up and meet me for dinner at 7."
"Now," John said. "Was that really so hard?"
"Yes. Now get out. I have work to do." Rodney slid under the console again and waited for John to leave. John just kicked Rodney's foot before walking out of the room much to Rodney's relief.
Rodney looked at the wires above his head and tried to figure out just when his life had become so crazy.
"Rodney," Elizabeth said from her office doorway, waving at him as he hurried by. "Could you come in here for a moment?"
Rodney skidded to a stop, looking at the pad for a moment before scowling at her. "Is it important?"
"Fine, fine," Rodney said, waving his hand as he walked into the office and flopped down in one of the chairs. "What is it?"
"I wanted to talk to you about your relationship with Colonel Sheppard."
"You're funny, Elizabeth. Are you done wasting my time now because I really have to get to work on the shield modulations."
"I'm serious," Elizabeth said, getting up to shut the door. "Rodney, if you are having a relationship with your team's commanding officer, I need to know about it."
"I don't have a relationship with him. At least not the kind you're talking about," Rodney said, getting back to his feet. "So this conversation is completely unnecessary."
"I'm not going to split up the team. I just want to protect the two of you should Stargate Command find out."
Rodney sat down again. "What would happen if they found out? Hypothetically of course because John and I are not in any sort of relationship that would require any sort of disclosure to you."
"Rodney," Elizabeth said gently as she sat back down. "Just breathe."
"I'm breathing," Rodney snapped at her. "Do you expect me to relax when you threaten me with Stargate Command?"
Elizabeth looked bemused as she smiled at him. "I'm not threatening you. I've already talked with John..."
"You talked to John?! What did he tell you?" Rodney leaned forward immediately. "Because everything he told you is a lie and I really don't do that when I sleep."
Elizabeth's eyes widened a little. "Mostly he just listened as I talked. I really wish you would learn how to do that."
"I'm too old to learn new things like that." Rodney waved his hand. "Fine, fine. Just talk. I'll keep quiet."
"I've spoken to Colonel Caldwell about my decision not to enforce Don't Ask, Don't Tell with my people," said Elizabeth. "However, the military will not let me waive that for their personnel officially. While you are on Atlantis, you are protected, but when you go back to Earth, you're going to have to function under Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
Rodney blinked. "That's it?"
"That's it," Elizabeth said easily. "Oh, and congratulations."
"I'm not dating him!" Rodney got up, shaking his head. "Though it's nice to know we'd be protected if we were, but I'm not dating Colonel Sheppard!"
"Of course, Rodney," Elizabeth said, a smile playing on her lips.
John flopped down on Rodney's couch without so much as an invitation, looking both annoyed and oddly attractive. And rumpled. But the rumpled added to the annoyed and attractive which was something Rodney knew he could never pull off, but John seemed to do without even thinking.
"Don't you have your own quarters?" asked Rodney as he pulled off his very dirty boots. "With your own shower."
John shrugged a little and scratched his very dirty hair. "A little dirt never hurt anyone."
"A little dirt maybe," Rodney muttered. "My couch is covered in mud because of you."
"I've been thinking."
"I thought I smelled something burning," Rodney said as he tugged his shirt over his head. "I'm showering. Get out."
"I think we should have sex."
Rodney tripped over his boots, catching himself on a chair before he could do something incredibly embarrassing like fall on his ass. "What?"
"I think we should have sex," John said easily. He scratched his hair again. "We're dating, right. No one else will have sex with either of us when they think we're dating. And no matter how many times we tell people that we're not dating, they don't believe us. So we should just have sex."
"Make the best of a bad situation." Rodney's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Shower."
"Shower sex is fun," John said with a shrug. He started to pull off his boots.
"No!" Rodney practically yelped even though he knew John was right. Shower sex was fun. "I'm showering. You're leaving."
"No. We're showering."
"Fine," Rodney said, too tired and filthy to really care all that much if John showered with him. Hell he would let Ronon and Teyla shower with him too if it meant he could get the mud out of his ass. "But if you touch me below the waist, I'm throwing you out of my room. Naked."
John stripped his shirt off and Rodney was most definitely not staring at chest hair, nipples, and a very lickable stomach. Nope, not at all. John just looked at him for a moment before he slowly unzipped his pants, pushing them down over his hips to fall on the floor.
"I know what you're trying to do," Rodney managed to say as he tore his gaze away from the long plane of John's right thigh. "Seducing me won't work."
"Who said I'm trying to seduce you?" John scratched his hair again. "Where's your shower?"
Rodney sighed heavily and made his way to the bathroom, wondering how he'd gotten tangled up in this mess. All he had done was talk about blowjobs once with John and now they were dating. Usually someone bought someone else dinner at some point, but Rodney was pretty sure that hadn't happened.
"You have a picture of yourself on your wall?"
"That's me when I got one of my PhD's. It's an important moment in the life and times of Dr. Rodney McKay." Rodney turned on the shower, thanking the Ancients yet again for their wonderful plumbing. "I like hot showers."
"How hot?" asked John as he looked through Rodney's medicine cabinet.
"Do you mind?" Rodney shut the cabinet hard. "And very hot. Scalding even. If you want something cooler than that, you're going to have to shower somewhere else."
John smiled at him as he pushed down his boxers and left them in a pile on the bathroom floor. "Not a problem for me."
Rodney resolutely kept his eyes above John's waist and stepped into the shower with his boxers still on, causing John to laugh and strip them off him, one large hand pressing Rodney against the wall.
The blowjob that followed shorted out Rodney's brain and made him wonder just how a Colonel in the US Air Force got so good at sucking cock. The reciprocation on Rodney's part, well that was because Rodney really, really wanted to suck John's cock at that precise moment. Five minutes later would have been another story.
At least that's what Rodney kept telling himself as he stared at the ceiling and listened to John snore next to him.
"We've got to stay overnight," John said as he set his pack on the small table in the room. He looked around the room for a moment before looking at Rodney and shrugging. "It could be worse. At least the Enkarians have indoor rooms."
"There's only one bed," Rodney grumbled as he sat down on it, already taking off his boots. John had insisted Teyla and Ronon take the larger room with two beds which they both knew was ridiculous since Teyla and Ronon had been sleeping the same bed for at least a month. Rodney wanted his own damn bed. John always hogged the covers. "You can sleep on the floor."
"I'm not sleeping on the floor," John said as he sat down as well. "We've shared beds before."
"I don't understand why you gave them the room with two beds and us the room with one," Rodney said. "They're the ones who fuck every night." John's shoulders tightened and Rodney immediately felt bad. "That's not what I meant."
"What did you mean then?" asked John quietly.
Rodney's shoulders slumped. "I don't know what I meant."
"It would have been indecent to give Teyla and Ronon the room with one bed," John said as he took off his heavy vest. "And leaving Teyla alone would have made it seem like we don't care to protect her."
"Oh," Rodney said quietly. He rested his hands on his thighs, still slumped and tired. "I just want to sleep."
"I'm not going to ravish you in your sleep, Rodney," John said sharply. "Believe it or not, I want to sleep too."
"Good. That's good." Rodney got up tiredly and stripped off his vest and pants, leaving them in a messy pile on the floor. After a moment he stripped off his sweaty T-shirt as well, looking at John for a moment before getting into the bed.
John leaned over and kissed him softly before turning off the light. Rodney could hear John moving around before he got in the bed as well.
Rodney's eyes grew accustomed to the darkness enough that he could see the outline of John's body in bed next to him, the glitter of his eyes looking back at Rodney. There were worse things, Rodney decided as he moved closer to John, then sharing a bed with John Sheppard while on a mission.
Especially since John was warm and safe and had a way of enveloping Rodney in his arms that made Rodney believe that everything really was going to be okay even if the planet they were currently on was far from home, did not have a ZPM and was populated by short, smelly people that seemed to think Teyla was completely helpless. Rodney pressed a kiss to the wing of John's collarbone and decided the Enkarians weren't the worst people they had met in the Pegasus galaxy.
It kind of happened all at once, at least to Rodney. One minute he wasn't getting any sex and spending all of his time with John. The next minute John was pretty much living in Rodney's quarters, they had great sex, and he was still spending all of his time with John.
It took about five days of togetherness before Rodney disappeared to 'fix' something that was broken on the East Pier while John was off flying Teyla and Carson to the mainland. Mostly Rodney just sat on one of the balconies and watched the power readings on his tablet.
Somehow he was in a relationship even if he didn't want to admit it. John slept in his bed every night and had his own toothbrush in Rodney's bathroom. There was a copy of War and Peace on his nightstand.
Rodney was positive he was one step away from a fight about the trash. He set aside the tablet and leaned back against the wall, his feet out in front of himself. He stared up at the invisible shield for a long time before closing his eyes.
The door slid open and Rodney looked over, ready to yell at whomever was disturbing his work. Ronon didn't say anything though and just sat down next to Rodney so it was easier just not to yell at him. Most of the time Ronon just laughed when he yelled at him anyway.
"Nice afternoon," Ronon said after awhile.
"Climate controlled environment," Rodney said. "It's always a nice afternoon."
Ronon gestured at the sky. "Rains outside the shield though. Sunny out there today."
"You're a brilliant conversationalist. What do you want from me?"
"Sheppard is a good man."
"Great," Rodney said angrily. "Is this one of those if you hurt him I'll kill you speeches? Because you should know that there's nothing going on between the two of us so you can just stop yourself right now."
Ronon looked at him for a moment before looking back up at the sky. "Wasn't planning on it."
"Oh." Rodney looked up at the sky as well. "What were you going to say?"
"That it's okay to be scared."
"What do I have to be scared about?" asked Rodney, his voice faltering a little. "Nothing is going on."
Ronon just patted Rodney's knee once before standing up and stretched his arms above his head, his shirt riding up slightly and exposing a lean expanse of stomach. Normally Rodney would be very interested by that bit of stomach, but it didn't really appeal right now.
"He won't hurt you," Ronon said quietly. "So don't be afraid of what you want."
"Peace and quiet? Why would I be afraid of that?" Rodney scowled a little. "Thanks for the deep thoughts, Ronon. Maybe you should stick with grunting and eating with your fingers instead."
Ronon just smiled and left, shutting the balcony door behind himself as he went. Rodney sighed and picked up the tablet, tapping it a few times to look at the power fluctuations in the greenhouse. He wasn't scared and he wasn't afraid of wanting John.
Mostly he was just afraid of what happened after he got what he wanted. That's when things usually went downhill.
Rodney caught Radek peering at him over the top of his glasses for what had to be the hundredth time since they'd started working in the abandoned lab on the East Pier that may or may not have been used to invent Superglue. Or possibly Silly Putty. They hadn't quite figured out what the pliable substance all over the tables was yet, but it certainly picked up newsprint well and glued various personal items such as Rodney's favourite pen to tables.
"What?" Rodney asked irritably.
"I did not say anything," Radek said blandly. "However, since you have broken your quite odd vow of silence for the morning, I feel I must point out that your shirt is on inside out and I believe it is Colonel Sheppard's."
Rodney looked down at his shirt and saw the familiar military black zip-shirt instead of his usual blue one. And it was inside out. Which if Rodney remembered correctly was because John had come on it before they went to breakfast and he hadn't had time to change so he'd just turned it inside out. He closed his eyes and pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose.
"So you are dating him?" Radek asked gleefully.
"Teyla's sleeping with Ronon," Rodney blurted out, hoping to deflect Radek's increasing interest in the status of his sex life. Surely it had little to do with the fact Rodney was actually get laid and more with the street value of real, solid confirmation of Rodney and John dating.
Radek waved a hand. "Old news. That one did get me two extra servings of pudding though." He leaned over to tap a few buttons on the console, studying the readouts. "Are you happy?"
"Do I look happy?" Rodney snapped as he scowled at him. He turned his back to Radek and did everything in his power not to blurt out that yes, dammit, he was happy and he wanted to stay that way without everyone knowing the truth. "Just get back to work."
Radek snickered. "So, you get crankier when you are getting laid as well. Perhaps it is because of annoying colleague that does not stop asking intrusive questions about your private life."
"I get it, okay," Rodney said. "I shouldn't have ridden you so hard about Sergeant Delaney. I promise not to do it again unless I'm exceptionally bored and we've nothing else to talk about if you would just stop asking."
"With an apology like that how can I say no."
Rodney turned a little, looking at Radek over his shoulder. Radek was looking back at him, a hint of smile on his face. "I am happy for you, Rodney. He is a good man."
Rodney rolled his eyes and went back to the console in front of him. "It's not like it's a real relationship. It's just sex."
"Of course," Radek said dryly. "It's obvious it is just sex between the two of you. The constant flirting, the touches you think no one else sees, the affection. Just sex. Nothing more."
"I hate you," Rodney said loudly. "Why does every other member of my team have to be so incompetent? If one of them had any clue about how Ancient equipment actually worked, I wouldn't have to constantly spend time with you!"
Radek chuckled lowly. "Yes, yes. And if you complain loud enough, perhaps someone will actually believe you."
"Someone might," Rodney said, glad he was still turned away from Radek so he couldn't see the smile playing on his lips. "Like one of the new supposed scientists that arrived recently on the Daedelus."
"Even they know you like me," Radek said. He turned to touch Rodney's shoulder. "I must confess something."
Rodney turned to look at him. "I hope it's not your undying love, because I'm apparently taken."
Radek looked seriously at him. "Colonel Sheppard asked me to turn you down when the two of you were having your little sex competition."
"What?" Rodney glared at him. "So you would have had sex with me?"
"No, no. Never." Radek shook his head. "But I thought you should know that he did everything he could to get people to say no to you. Oddly romantic if you think about it."
"Romantic? He was telling people not to sleep with me so he could sleep with them instead!"
Radek pushed his glasses up with one finger. "For being the self-proclaimed smartest man in two galaxies, you certainly miss the point very easily."
"Oh yes. And you really have a point," Rodney snapped at him. "You just like gossiping about anyone."
"Exactly. I know everything that happens on Atlantis from how often the lights in the mess hall are used to who is sleeping with each other," Radek said seriously. "He never slept with any of the people he said he did, even Carson."
"John Sheppard turn down sex? Yeah right. I've been sleeping with him for a month now. He never says no."
"Right. He never says no to you."
Rodney turned to look at Radek again, but Radek's back was turned and he was already back to work. He swallowed whatever he was going to say next and instead turned his attention to the console that was telling him in no uncertain terms that it was not Superglue or Silly Putty and instead was a bad reaction of a number of chemicals Rodney didn't even know were stored in this lab. He really should pay attention to the console instead anyway.
Rodney barely paused outside of John's quarters before barging inside, thinking very hard that the door should open for him right now. Apparently Atlantis understood his urgency – and anger – and obliged.
John looked up from where he was sprawled in bed in just his boxers, reading War and Peace. "Hi. Was I expecting you?"
Rodney stormed over to him and grabbed the book, tossing it aside. "You told people not to have sex with me?"
John sat up, his back against his headboard now. "Who told?"
"That doesn't matter! You really did that?"
"I didn't have a chance otherwise," John said, scowling. "You never saw me."
Rodney's jaw dropped and he spluttered a little, trying to come up with what to say to that. He sat down heavily on John's bed, staring at the wall.
"I got tired of pretending to be interested in your sex life, Rodney. I wanted to be a part of it so I fixed the game."
Rodney shook his head and smacked the back of his hand against John's bare thigh. "I'm really mad at you right now. So just shut up for a little while."
John closed his eyes and leaned his head against the headboard. Rodney stared at him, wondering how he could be so frustrated with John but still feel bad for being mad at him. It was one of those things that Rodney hated about relationships. This was why the whole blowjob motto came into existence.
Rodney scowled a little before he kicked off his shoes and swung his legs up on the bed. He pushed at John lightly until John opened his eyes. "Lie down."
"Am I allowed to talk yet?" John shifted down so he was lying on the pillow, looking Rodney in the eyes.
"No," Rodney snapped. "Don't say anything, okay. Just. Lie here with me."
John sighed heavily and threw his arm around Rodney's chest, snuggling up against him. Rodney rested a hand on John's bare side, stroking lightly. "You were so mad when you found out people thought we were dating."
John shrugged. "I was in the drama club in high school."
Rodney half-sat up. "Drama club? Oh my god, you are so gay!"
"Weren't you trying to make a point?" John said tiredly, pushing Rodney back down. "I'm listening."
"I'm kind of stuck on the drama club thing," Rodney admitted.
"No, no! I'll get past it. Give me a moment." Rodney hummed for a moment. "So did you do any plays?"
John sighed heavily. "I played Puck in A Midsummer's Night Dream."
Rodney started to laugh, pressing his face against the pillow. John scowled and smacked his shoulder.
"Sorry, sorry." Rodney pressed his lips together to keep from laughing before he calmed down slightly. "So you played a fairy," he managed to get out before he promptly started laughing again.
"No. Really. Goodnight, Rodney."
Rodney took a couple of deep breaths and patted John's shoulder consolingly. "I won't tell anyone of your tight-wearing past."
"How very big of you."
"And the point I was trying to make was that I thought you didn't really want me so I just played it off like I didn't want you either," Rodney said quickly. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm kind of hard to be around after awhile. People find me abrasive. And annoying. So I don't do very well in relationships. Plus I always leave the toilet seat up and forget to take out the trash."
"Well I've seen you every day for almost two years now so I think I know what I'm getting into," John said calmly. "We're both guys so the toilet seat isn't an issue. And Atlantis takes care of the trash itself for the most part."
Rodney eyed him for a moment. "Blowjobs are mandatory. You can't try and use blowjobs as rewards for me doing something right. This is not up for discussion. Love me, love blowjobs."
"Yes, I'm familiar with your motto about blowjobs." John grinned. "I'm a guy, Rodney. I like blowjobs just as much as you do."
"Okay," Rodney said as he settled back down on the bed. "Just checking. Because that's a nasty trick to play on a guy."
"I agree." John kissed him lightly. "Now go to sleep."
Rodney squirmed out of his clothes, dropping them on the floor next to John's bed. The lights went out a moment later and John slung an arm over Rodney's waist again, snuggled up to his side.
Rodney smoothed his hand over John's hair, smiling in the dark. "Drama club."
"I liked drama club," John said with a sigh. "I was good."
"Hand me that screwdriver," Radek said from underneath the console he was working on. He thrust his hand out, making grabby motions.
Rodney handed him the screwdriver as he fiddled with the buttons on the side of the console. "Hey, Radek. What could you get if you had proof of John and myself?"
"Coffee rations," Radek said thoughtfully. "Early notification of pizza day. Pudding."
"I only got pudding for Teyla and Ronon," Radek reminded him as he moved out from under the console. "Why are you asking?"
Rodney shrugged a little. "If I give you something that will give you the proof you need, I want to be notified about the pizza."
"Just pizza? Not coffee rations?" Radek asked shrewdly.
"You have to share your coffee with me if I'm out."
"And what does Colonel Sheppard get out of this deal?"
"A caffeinated boyfriend?" Rodney twisted some of the wires dangling from the side of the console. "He's tired of everyone looking at us and whispering behind their hands."
"It's much easier to say it to your face," Radek said with a shrug.
Rodney sat down on the ground next to Radek. "You're the only one who knows the truth. Even Elizabeth only thinks she knows what's going on."
Radek patted Rodney's hand. "I am touched. Are you sure you want this news broken by me?"
Rodney reached into his pocket and held up a disk. "Pizza notification and coffee rations?"
Radek looked at the disk for a moment before nodding and snatching it away from Rodney. "Deal. I'll let you know before I do it."
"You're a good man, Radek Zelenka," Rodney said before he ducked under the console to check Radek's work. "But you can't wire a console for shit! What did you do under here? It's a good thing I'm here to correct your shoddy work or else the entire city would explode under your incompetent wiring!"
Radek let out a heavy sigh. "Or perhaps I'll just do it when you least expect it."
Summary: He was really going to have to get back on the blowjob project though. It was not a comforting thought to think that sex was suddenly less important than it used to be just because people like Kavanagh were around.