13 Mar 2006
I'm crazy, next? :-p
Sci-Fi nut in general - SG1, Farscape, SGA, Galaxy Rangers, He-Man, She-Ra and too many other shows to name! :)
She's like a ghost watching, completely taken in and doesn't feel any resentment towards either woman whatsoever.
Updated: 28 Jul 2005; Published: 28 Jul 2005
This seemed to be very well written from Kate's p.o.v. - I really liked it.
I certainly wouldn't mind reading more w/ Kate. :)
Following The Storm, John decides Rodney needs a little remedial training.
Updated: 04 Apr 2006; Published: 04 Apr 2006
hehe - poor John, he's certainly got his work cut out for him keeping the city safe when the whole science team knows Elizabeth's password. As for Rodney, I'm glad that Sheppard has decided to take him in hand & convince him about the art of misdirection.
Author's Response: They are such... civilians... in the beginning. No doubt by the end of the first year of dealing with the Genii everyone will be sufficiently paranoid.
Chapter 1: Remedial Basic
Summary: "It was a moment set aside from the rest of their lives"
Updated: 16 May 2006; Published: 16 May 2006
Very good. :)
Talk about a fantasy put to print.... ;)
“I can’t believe this ... what have they done to us?” hissed Sheppard, automatically reaching for weapons he knew weren’t there.
“We asked for their defence against the Wraith,” said Ronan. “And they shared it with us.”
> Threesomes, Moresomes or Bitextual
Characters: John Sheppard
, Rodney McKay
, Ronon Dex
, Samantha Carter
, Teyla Emmagan
Genres: AU - Alternate Universe
, First Time
, Hurt Comfort
, TeamWarnings: Adult themes
Chapters: 17 [Table of Contents
Word count: 22439; Completed: No
Updated: 04 Sep 2007; Published: 11 Sep 2006
Innnnteresting story here.
I like how you've set everything up and I hope that you will post more soon.
I've noticed some grammatical errors that I will comment about per chapter as I go back & read. :) Yes, I'm a grammar nitpicker, but tight grammar can help make a good story into a *great* story.
Keep writing, as that this is something I am truly interested in reading more of.
What are Teyla & Sam up to? Hrm! Inquiring minds want to know.
Yes, I want to know who the Queen is, I suspect it's Elizabeth - you've hinted at it before now and I'm curious if it will be her.
Chapter 13: Chapter Thirteen
Okay, here's a list of minor tweakings for this chapter that will make the story really shine. :)
1.Rodney made a whimpering noise from the bed, and John found himself automatically springing to other mans side, carefully smoothing hair from his sweaty forehead.
i) Man's – possessive here, so it needs the apostrophe
2.And she gently removed his shirt, then moved back as Rodney’s hands slid over his chest trailing warmth and sensation after them.
i) Try to avoid starting sentences with And, seeing as how it's a conjunction, meant to join two phrases or parts of a sentence together. I would suggest revising this to, “She gently removed...”
3.And Teyla rasping pants beside them.
i) Okay, this is a fragment – not a full sentence. Secondly, pants is being used incorrectly here as a verb. It seems to be more of a noun, so you want to make Teyla possessive – Teyla's rasping pants. To make this flow better, a better way to write this would be to just make it all one sentence with the previous phrase: “All that mattered was Rodney ready and willing, laying beneath him and Teyla's rasping pants beside them.”
4.“Queen?” growled Ronan, from where he was helping Rodney from the bed, fingers lingering on each of the other mans bites and bruises.
i)Mans is the problem here – possessive once more, so it needs an apostrophe. “other man's bites and bruises.”
Okay, I'm back. This group of corrections is for chapter 2 alone. Really steamy stuff here! :) I really want to see more of this story soon, since you've totally hooked me in w/ the whole Pack concept here.
1.“They all have altered brain chemistry, however its Colonel Sheppards hormonal imbalance that worries me.”
i)its here is a contraction and in American English, (I don't know the British English rules on this one, so I won't say either way!) you use the apostrophe here for it's. Next: another apostrophe here for Sheppard's hormonal imbalance.
2.Honestly he thought their leader was taken everything remarkably well, despite the fact that less that four hours
i)The second that in this sentence should be than – the fact that less than four hours.....
3.“So its unusual brain chemistry and some extra testosterone?”
i)its – Again, this should be it's – contraction = apostrophe here.
4.“Its slightly more complicated than that Elizabeth.”
i)Its – Again, this should be it's – contraction = apostrophe here.
5.“Simply its them ... just more instinctual ... more prone to self destructive behaviours,” said Kate.
i)its – As stated above, this should be it's – contraction = apostrophe here.
6.he saw one of Beckett’s croonies in their with him.
i)Croonies should be cronies
7.thats my blood and I made it!”
i)thats – Again, this should be that's for that is – contraction = apostrophe here.
8.There was yowl from further down the infirmary, from somewhere behind the curtains.
i)This is an easy one – just put an a in before yowl - “There was a yowl...”
9.Then wide blue eyes met with John’s and there was a whisper “...Sheppard”
i) Comma. :) You need a comma after whisper
I missed one last correction for this chapter. :-p
10.Turning his full attention on the young man standing MUCH to close to Rodney
i)I wouldn't necessarily use caps here for much. If you want to emphasize it, I believe the site will allow you to upload documents with bold and/or italics tags. Or, asterisks around the word if not.
Only a few things in here to fix. I have really enjoyed this story & think that I have it tagged in my faves now (brain dead sick, so my memory isn't all here... :p)
1.Janet was sat at her desk at the far end of the infirmary, staring at the computer monitor in front of her.
i)Okay, this one needs some verb corrections - “Janet was sat” doesn't make much sense. There are a couple ways you can fix this here. You can go with “Janet sat at her desk...” or, “Janet was sitting at her desk....”
2.“Okay, lets give the boys a bit of privacy,” said Janet
i)lets – lets here is a contraction for let us, so you need an apostrophe here. Let's is the version you want.
It's that bad penny again.... :-p Here's the list of tweakings for Chapter 4:
1.Summary: It took them approximately twenty four hours to realize that whatever the Atlantean’s had brought through the ‘gate with them was infectious
i)Two things here. I can't remember the rule for this, but you need an apostrophe between twenty and four. Then, Atlantean's – this is plural here, no apostrophe is needed. The summary is also like the first sentence or two of the chapter, so you can kill two birds with one stone when you fix that. :)
2.It had all started with Colonel Carter had entered the infirmary, and upon seeing Sheppard began to growl.
i)This is another one that's an easy fix. You can go a couple of different ways to fix this, but either way, it needs some corrections. :) Option one: “It had all started when Colonel Carter had entered the infirmary, and upon seeing Sheppard, she began to growl.” Option two: “It had all started with Colonel Carter's entrance in the infirmary, and upon seeing Sheppard, she began to growl.”
3.as Teyla took the blondes legs out from under her
i)Possessive. You need an apostrophe here for blondes.
4.that he was supposed to mate with her when she was on heat, so as to continue the Pack legacy.
i)“when she was on heat...” On heat? I always thought it was “in heat...”
5.he needed Rodney in a way that frankly terrifies him, and he pushes him further into the door frame.
i)Okay, you suddenly change verb tenses here. You go from past tense to present tense not only in the same paragraph, but the same sentence. So, you need all your verbs to be in the past tense here. “...he needed Rodney in a way that frankly terrified him, and he pushed him further into the door frame.”
6."I want that Alpha bitch to watch, to understand its hands off."
i)Contraction – You need an apostrophe here for its.
7.With a bit more force than is entirely necessary,
i)Verb tense – is should be was
8.John quickly undid his BDU’s
i)Plural, no apostrophe for BDUs here.
Here's the list of fixes for this chapter. I really like Ronan playing watch dog over Rodney. Hehehe! :)
1.“I have to watch you ... its what I do.”
i)Contraction – You need an apostrophe here for its.
2.“In the Pack, its my duty to watch over you when Alpha isn’t around.”
i)Same as above, contraction – You need an apostrophe here for its.
3.“And since we don’t know how its being transmitted has decided to quarantine us on Atlantis.”
i)Same as above, contraction – You need an apostrophe here for its.
4.“And so the SGC just loses it flagship team?”
i)Okay, here change it to its.
5.“And what about Mitchell?” spoked up T’leac from where he was lurking in the corner.
i)Teal'c is how you spell it. You don't want a ticked off Jaffa coming after you for slaughtering the spelling of his name! :)
I'm that bad penny that you can't get rid of - seriously. :-p I know I'm a bit of a pain, but I just want to see this story really stand out and shine. :)
1.“We have been sent here from Earth Dr. Weir,”
i)Names need to be set off by commas – another one of those silly grammar rules. So, “We have been sent her from Earth, Dr. Weir,”
2.“The President believes it to dangerous to have us in such a large population.”
i)There are a couple things here that need some tweaking. You need an “assisting” verb in the first half of the sentence and make to, too. So, “The President believes it is too dangerous...”
3.“They’re not lepers son!”
i)You should set off son with a comma
4.“Get started on that immunisation,” she said.
i)Immunisation should be iummunization and, comma instead of period behind immunization.
5.“He has a certain amount of leeway”
i)End of sentence, you need a period. So, “He has a certain amount of leeway.”
There are only a few things here that need to be tweaked. :)
1.There was a moments hesitation.
i)Possessive, so you need an apostrophe on moments - “There was a moment's hesitation...”
2."I've heard that things have been pretty quiet at home compared to whats going on over there."
i)Contraction – whats should be what's
3.She knew that Dr. McKay's shadow wouldn't be around, he was in the gym with Sheppard and Teyla, therefore the astrophycist would be alone.
i)Spelling here – astrophycist, correct spelling is: astrophysicist
Again, there's only a small handful of items that need fixing here. These are all easy fixes that won't take any time at all.
1.Of course you do McKay," she said. "And thats not what I meant."
i)Two things here – comma between do and McKay and then, you have a contraction that needs an apostrophe – thats. So, this should read, “Of course you do, McKay,” she said. “And that's not what I meant.”
2."I don't know whats wrong with the Colonel as of yet," he answered.
i)Contraction here – whats should be what's
3.Sam raised an eyebrow, oh she knew Jack's 'cunning plans' and there success rate.
i)Wrong form of there used here. This should be their success rate. There = location, They're = they are, their = belonging to them.
4."I'm sure you could use Zelenka's help, and theres nothing better than a guilt ridden Alpha whose Mate has been stolen."
i)Contraction – theres should be there's
Oh boy.... I think this was one of my fave chapter in terms of steaminess! But, I want to know - what about Weir? You have Teyla making the moves on her, but nothing happens to Weir! :-p
Here's the list of tweakings for this chapter.
1.Thats when she looked back towards the door, a predatory gleam in her eyes.
i)Verb tense contradiction here. You've got “Thats” for That is, but, it should be “That was when she looked back towards the door...”
2.and they grabbed each other roughly kissing thoroughly at each others blood covered lips.
i)Possessive, others needs an apostrophe to be other's
3.what was the point of creating the strongest bond between two Packs and accepting another Packs Alpha into her body and caused his hair to stand up is sticky spikes.
i)Possessive on the second Packs, it needs to be “Pack's Alpha into her body....” and then, replace is with in, to make it, “stand up in sticky spikes.”
4.Yet he wanted her Mate there, to make it something for Janet aswell
i)aswell – two words here, so put a space in between as and well.
5.“Both Pack's will be there, that'll be enough."
i)Pack's here is plural, not possessive, so no apostrophe – just Packs.
6."Alright?" she whispered, and he nodded.
i)Alright – This is not an accepted spelling of all right, it's still considered a slang usage. For formal and edited writings, you want to use “all right”
7."Thats it," whispered Sam, moving one hand from Janet's hip to Sheppard's thigh and gently stroking him.
i)Contraction – Thats should be That's
8.With a nod he lowered Sheppard's head to the floor and moved between the mans legs.
i)Contraction – mans should be man's
9.before Sam released John into his lovers arms where he started crying in ernest
i)Possessive – lovers should be lover's and ernest should be earnest
I liked how you dealt with the emotional fall out of the raid to rescue Janet & Rodney. Good handling of Sam here. :)
i)Double quotes here on both ends: “Sam!”
2."I should be arrested and court maritaled."
i)Spelling here on maritaled – should be martialed
I think there should be 2 l's here, but I can't find a correct spelling either way of it. Blargh. :-p
Hehe.... Just as it's getting good for John & Rodney, duty, as usual, calls. :-p Good plot progression - I like how the Wraith are coming and that they need to go back to Linde.
1."Rodney whats wrong?"
i)Contraction – whats needs an apostrophe to be what's
2."We have nowhere near enough power in the ZPM to hold the sheild against any sort of prolonged attack, and we're all out of drones," he answered.
i)Spelling – sheild needs to be shield. Don't ask me to explain the rule and exceptions, because I can't remember what they are off the top of my head. ;)
3."And the Daedalus is still on Earth, thats nearly two months away," said Sam, and Rodney nodded his agreement.
Contraction – thats needs an apostrophe here to be that's
4."Its a bit late for that don't you think?"
Contraction – Its here needs to be It's
5."They're not just passing through the neighbourhood Elizabeth!"
i)Spelling on neighborhood? I don't know if British spelling puts a U in it or not, but American English says no U in neighborhood. Also, names are set off by commas. So, comma after neighborhood
6."Good," answered John, nuzzling gently into Rodney's neck and licking lightly at the deep bite mark there." Thats a good boy."
Just a couple of minor things here. First off, “...there.” Thats a good boy.” - Move the quote marks over so the quote marks are opening at “Thats...” and again, Thats needs an apostrophe since it's a contraction.
7."Its supposed to be a weapon against the Wraith right?"
i)Same as above – Contraction, so Its needs an apostrophe to be It's
8."We have to go back to Linde!" he exclaimed, watching as Sam hurridly got to her feet.
i)Spelling here: hurriedly instead of hurridly
9."Thats right," she said.
i)Again, Thats needs an apostrophe since it's a contraction. So, “That's right,” she said.
Chapter 12: Chapter Twelve
heheheheheh.... John's sounding awfully nervous here..... :) Now, where's the next section of this story? :)
1.“Whether there are Packs there is a Queen.”
i)Where, not Whether would be the word to use here and put in a comma after Packs. “Where there are Packs, there is a Queen.”
2.“There is much that we can learn form each other...”
i)from, not form here. That's an easy one to do when your brain gets ahead of your fingers – heck knows I've done it too often myself! :)
Chapter 13: Chapter Thirteen
What if they hadn't found a cure for John? This AU is based off Conversion, but posits a higher-functioning, slightly more human-looking mutation, complete with, yes, mating urge, as well as the ability to spread the retrovirus. Sheppard/Weir, Lorne/Sheppard/Weir.
Updated: 15 May 2007; Published: 02 Jan 2007
Wow.... that was definitely breathtaking!
I want to see what happens next - seriously! Now that you're converting Lorne, did he impregnate Weir too, or is it going to be Cadman he gets, since that's who he was rambling on about?
Ee gads, I hope to see the sequel to this soon!
Author's Response: Hehe. The second fic has already been written by someone else, and I'm in the middle of betareading it, and then the third and fourth fics are going to be going up shortly after.
Teyla wants to play, and Kate agrees. Established Teyla/Kate relationship.
Updated: 28 Jan 2007; Published: 28 Jan 2007
Talk about taking your breath away. Very well done piece of PWP! :)
Sam Carter's got some wisdom to share with John Sheppard.
Updated: 29 Jan 2007; Published: 29 Jan 2007
*lol* Well written little tweak for Sam to tease Cam. :)
I got a good giggle out of this.
Thanks for the laugh!